My girlfriend and I are in slight disagreement over whether we've been having sex or not. She says we haven't been. I maintain that we have been. Lest you think we were born yesterday, rest assured that we're both old enough (in our mid-20s) to remember what former President Clinton's definition of "sex" was. But nobody really bought that line of crap, did they? For me, oral sex is sex. That's why they call it oral sex. For my girlfriend, oral sex is only sex if it directly leads to an orgasm. And since we haven't taken things that far yet, she insists we haven't been having sex. The reason we haven't taken things that far is because she gets squeamish near the moment of truth, if you know what I mean, and to save the day I have to take matters into my own hands.
As for her own needs (and please don't think I've been ignoring them), she still hasn't been able to relax enough to allow my oral stimulation of her nether regions to have its complete effect. What usually happens - always happens, actually - is that we wind up bringing our individual selves to orgasm. Hence my girlfriend's argument that we haven't been having sex. Of course, one of these days we'll presumably engage in sexual intercourse, at which time this will become a moot point. Meanwhile, I wouldn't mind knowing how my sex life is doing. Can you tell me?
Oral Examiner: Can I tell you? I can show-and-tell you, if you want. Sex, despite the combined efforts of the advertising and advice industries, remains one of life's great mysteries. And I, for one, would like to keep it that way. So I'm not terribly interested in figuring it all out. Yet, like that Supreme Court justice discoursing on pornography, I may not know what sex is, but I know it when I see it. So if you'll kindly invite me over for your next round of is-we-or-isn't-we, I'll be happy to render an opinion, using the latest guidelines set forth by the NIH, the CDC, the CIA and the PTA. Until then, here are my latest thoughts on what the definition of "it" is.
Sex begins at conception. And by "conception," I don't mean what you think I mean. I don't mean sperm fertilizing eggs, or zygotes doing...whatever zygotes do. I mean sex begins with the idea of sex. For too long now, we've been hung up on this notion that sex involves penetration and ejaculation - i.e., reproduction. But we already have a perfectly fine word for that activity: reproduction (as in "Boy, I'd like to reproduce him"). So why not use "sex" to describe all the other activities having to do with sexual arousal and sexual release? Foreplay, that's sex. Afterplay, that's sex. Phone sex? Sex. Lap dances? Sex. A hug from grandma that goes on a little too long? Well...
See, that's the problem with trying to define sex. It's so easy to get tripped up. Let's say you believe sex must involve penetration. Okay, how much penetration? All the way? Just a little bit? Penetration of what? And with what? As our distinguished ex-prez would be the first to admit, sometimes a cigar is just a cigar, no matter what kind of stain it leaves on a blue dress. Insisting that sex must involve orgasm leads to equally bizarre conclusions. By that definition, some women I know, including a former prostitute, have never had sex! Therefore, I think we need to broaden, not restrict, the definition of sex. It's about turning on, not getting off.
By that definition, you've definitely been having sex, Oral. And the question you may want to ask your girlfriend is why she keeps insisting on the contrary. Of course, if I'm there with you, I can ask her myself.
If sex is anything you do with another woman that your wife disapproves of, write to: MR. RIGHT, ISTHMUS, 101 KING ST., MADISON, WI 53703. OR CALL 251-1206, EXT. 152. OR E-MAIL MRRIGHT@ISTHMUS.COM.