We were sitting around the dorm room, "studying," and the topic turned to Halloween costumes. For some of us, this will be our first Halloween at the UW, and we're totally psyched. But it's never too early to start planning. So then somebody had the bright idea of emailing you and asking you what you think an "appropriate" costume would be this year. It can't be anything too elaborate since none of us know how to sew. But you should feel free to be as outrageous as possible. One of us once went as a bloody tampon, for instance, so now you know where we're coming from.
Go Badgers: A bloody tampon? That is so circa 1982, which, according to my calculations, was before any of you were born. Alas, long gone are the days when you could put on some frilly underwear, smear lipstick on your face, pour a bottle of Ketchup down your inner thigh and call yourself "Madonna having her period." Halloween, like Madonna, has moved on, and you need to move on with it. Luckily, I have my middle finger on the pulse of this naughty, naughty holiday, which is another way of saying I read both People and Us magazines, watch E! and prowl the Internet for celebrity sightings having to do with rehab and/or jail time. Here, then, is my Top Ten list of Halloween-costume ideas for 2007, keeping in mind that there are still a few weeks to go before the H-bomb drops. Michael Jackson could easily get arrested again, so don't throw those epaulets away. Okay...
10) The Brangelina Bunch: Admittedly, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have started to win the PR war vis-à-vis Jennifer Aniston by, you know, saving the world, but they've also been acquiring children like Mia Farrow on a bender. So gather together some of your closest friends, wear anything you want and carry a sign that says "The Brangelina Bunch: Screw Jerry's Kids, Our Parents Are Total Hotties."
9) Miss Wherever: In honor of Miss South Carolina, who not only couldn't find the United States on a map during the Q & A of the Miss Teen USA Pageant, she seemed to be a little unclear on what exactly a map is, you could pull out the ol' tiara and sash, head off to State Street and wind up somewhere out by West Towne Mall.
8) Former Miss Teen USA: And if you wreck your car on the way, just say you're really supposed to be Lindsay Lohan.
7) Naked Bun: Vanessa Hudgens, who brought such a studied innocence to Disney's High School Musical, has been apologizing like crazy for a candid nude photograph of her that's making the rounds on the Internet. But having tracked down the photo, I can honestly say this woman has nothing to apologize for. So, those of you who were planning to go nude anyway might want to consider sticking a "My Name is Vanessa" ID tag on your, uh, your....
6) Naked Bun, Part II: Daniel Radcliffe, better known as Harry Potter, did a nude scene in a Broadway production of Equus. What more do you need to know, guys? Just pick up a pair of black wire-rims and watch it with those magic wands.
5) We'll Always Have Paris: Well, maybe not always, but she did go to jail this year, and stripes are slimming.
4) Another Swig of O.J.: He's back! And he's armed! And the glove fits this time! Plus, stripes are slimming!
3) The Distinguished Senator from the State of Wyoming: I'm not sure how you'd "say" Larry Craig, but it probably involves toilet paper, Vaseline and Pinocchio's nose.
2) Owen Wilson: Hey, you said you wanted outrageous!
1) Britney Spears: Her performance at the MTV Video Awards cured insomnia all over the world, topping off yet another scantily clad annus mirabilis. Just strap a piece of string around your chest area and start singing "Oops!...I Did It Again."
To share your anus mirabilis with me, write to: MR. RIGHT, ISTHMUS, 101 KING ST., MADISON, WI 53703. OR CALL 251-1206, EXT. 152. OR EMAIL MRRIGHT@ISTHMUS.COM.