I have a problem. At least I think it's a problem. Maybe it's nothing. But if it's nothing, why am I so worried? No, I have a problem, but I'm reluctant to seek professional help for reasons you'll soon understand. Let me start at the beginning. According to my calculations, I've had 7,000 orgasms over the last 21 years, give or take a few. And the vast majority of them went without a hitch. But in recent weeks, I've noticed something peculiar, something I don't ever recall seeing before, although maybe I just wasn't paying close enough attention. To wit: Right before the Big Splasheroo, my testicles climb so high in my scrotum that they seem to re-enter the pelvic cavity from which they originally came. I've heard of non-descending testicles, but I've never heard of re-ascending testicles, not to this extent, anyway.
So far, I've been able to coax the little guys back down, either by just lying there until they get tired or by gently pushing them back into place. But I have this slight feeling that they're climbing a little bit higher each time. And as I pointed out before, I don't remember ever noticing this phenomenon during the first 6,950 orgasms or so. Am I okay? Should I see a doctor? Am I about to become a 34-year-old boy soprano?
Mixed Nuts: The Big Splasheroo? It sounds like a water-park ride. And while everybody's trying to erase that image from their minds, allow me to introduce you all to the cremaster. Yes, it sounds like the title of a horror movie: Cremaster 4: The Final Spermatogenesis. And while you're all trying to erase that image from your minds, allow me to tell you what the cremaster is and does. It's a thin layer of skeletal muscle that surrounds each testicle, and it works kind of like a bungee cord. When the cremaster contracts, the testicle rises in the scrotum, heading toward the rest of the body. When the cremaster relaxes, the testicle lowers, heading away from the rest of the body. Raise, lower, raise, lower ' it's a tough job, but some body part's got to do it.
You can test the cremasteric reflex by lightly stroking your inner thigh downwards from around the hip to around the knee. It works better if someone else does it to you, and I've read that it works especially well on young boys, but if you think that'll hold up in court ' "I was just checking his cremasteric reflex!" ' you're going to want to cancel all your appointments for the next 25 years, with time off for good behavior. Why do the testicles raise and lower? Because Mother Nature, in her infinite wisdom, decided that the ideal temperature for sperm production, which occurs in the splendiferous ' oops, make that seminiferous ' tubules of the testes, is 94 degrees Fahrenheit instead of 98.6. Lower the testicles and you lower their temperature. Lower their temperature and you raise your chances of being a father someday.
Why do our testicles rise, then? Because Mother Nature, in her infinite wisdom, decided that, in certain stressful situations, our balls shouldn't just be hanging out there for anyone to grab, squeeze, wrench, kick, throw a rock at or slice off with a pair of gardening shears. And orgasm, as you might expect, is one of those situations. As the Big Splasheroo approaches, like a hurricane off the coast of Florida, the testicles head up north to wait it out. And although I've never heard of them heading as far north as you're talking about, Mixed Nuts, I'd recommend you have yourself checked out, if only because 1) it's obviously bothering you quite a bit and 2) I'd like to avoid any lawsuits that might result from your having too many balls in the air.
If you're the cremaster of your domain, write to: MR. RIGHT, ISTHMUS, 101 KING ST., MADISON, WI 53703. OR CALL 251-1206, EXT. 152. OR E-MAIL MRRIGHT@ISTHMUS.COM.