I have a slight problem with my boyfriend: He doesn't like to kiss. Not near as much as I do, anyway. To me, kissing is better than intercourse, not that they're mutually exclusive or anything. And I could honestly do it for hours. But I'm lucky if I get even a few minutes. I asked my boyfriend about this, and he seemed surprised. And when I told him how much kissing I would prefer, he seemed alarmed. So am I some kind of weirdo or something? I just think it's the most intimate thing two people can do.
Whatever advice you might have regarding this problem would be appreciated.
XOXO: If you were here me with now, I'd plant a big wet one on your lips, not because I enjoy being put on trial for sexual assault but because I, too, cherish the lost art of kissing. Kids today! They go straight from playing together in the neighbor's sandbox to performing fellatio and cunnilingus ' mostly fellatio, according to my sources ' in their parents' cars. Or, to put it in the baseball terms of my youth, they reach second without having touched the first-base bag. I loved first base when I was a kid, and I didn't much care how I got there ' line drive to deep-right center, grounder dribbling through the short-stop's legs, walk, hit by a pitch, designated runner. You think I'm kidding? At Cathy E.'s birthday party in seventh grade, Mike S. had to leave early, and he asked me to take over for him with Lori Y. They'd been making out in the laundry room. Too weird or something? All I can say is, I'm a team player.
And it never occurred to me to steal second. Of course, that was seventh grade. By my freshman year in high school, I was trying to round third. But there was something about all the time I spent just trying to get on base that will stick with me until the day I hang up my cleats. Lips! They're such a sophisticated part of the human anatomy, capable of performing any number of intricate maneuvers. And they're so sensual when they're not doing anything except framing the mouth. There's a reason so many women inject their lips with collagen to the point where their faces resemble nothing so much as a baboon's butt. As with the baboon's butt, swollen lips suggest a readiness for action, the body ripe with desire. But how much better it is when the lips have swollen of their own accord, gently and then not so gently massaged by another pair of lips. And don't even get me started on the tongue!
It's possible that your boyfriend finds saliva to be a bit of a turn-off. Even I, when given a choice between kissing Brad Pitt and/or Angelina Jolie all night long or simply downing a glass of their spit, want to call the whole thing off. Then there's the question of orally transmitted diseases, like mononucleosis. Myself, I used to get so jealous when one of my classmates got mono that I practically went around licking doorknobs. He/she was getting some! And besides, orally transmitted diseases are part of the risk we run when we engage in oral sex. And kissing, in my opinion, is oral sex. Speaking of which, one thing you might try, XOXO, is wearing bright red lipstick, which is like injecting collagen, only less painful, less expensive and less dumb. Painted a bright red, your lips will be saying 'Kiss me, you fool,' a message your boyfriend should find hard to miss. If he nevertheless does, then he's a total baboon.
Well, a partial baboon, anyway. A total baboon wouldn't miss it for the world.
Whether to seal it with a kiss or kiss with a seal, write to: MR. RIGHT, ISTHMUS, 101 KING St., MADISON, WI 53703. OR CALL 251-1206. EXT. 152. OR E-MAIL MRRIGHT@ISTHMUS.COM.