So, me and the boys were sitting around playing poker the other night, and the talk turned, as it often does, to women. Specifically, we discussed what it means when you say that a woman is good in bed. Various ideas were bandied about, but the one we kept coming back to is that she's physically gifted, in more ways than one. In other words, she's got what it takes, and she knows how to use it. But none of us could agree on what we meant by "knows how to use it." So we decided to contact you. What does it mean to be good in bed, Mr. Right?
Five Card Studs
Five Card Studs: Boy, did you come to the right place. I'm incredible in bed! In fact, I'm so good that Warren Beatty himself used to call me up for pointers. "Just relax and be yourself," I'd tell him, but he'd want specific information, like how to pull off a reverse razorback with a triple twist. "Just relax and be yourself," I'd repeat. "The rest will take care of itself." But that was never enough for him. He'd insist that I, like, recommend a specific page out of the Kama Sutra or something. So I'd arbitrarily pick one, and he'd wind up pulling a groin muscle. Celebrities!
By the way, have you ever wondered which celebrities are good in bed? I've been contemplating the presidential candidates lately. Hillary Clinton? I bet she's a real tiger. Just kidding! I bet she's a real pussycat. Just kidding! I bet she's a real policy wonk. ("It would maximize the social benefits of what we're trying to achieve if you would move your tongue about three centimeters to the left.") And I bet Barack Obama's a little on the earnest side. ("If this isn't working for you, we...can...change.") As for John McCain, have you ever seen his wife? She looks like she last let her hair down during the Carter administration. Speaking of which, I've always had this fantasy that Jimmy and Rosalynn Carter really get it on - all that lust stored up in Jimmy's heart.
And as long as we're mindlessly speculating, I'll pass along a pet theory of mine, which is that most sex symbols are bad in bed. Like prostitutes, they're too busy selling it to give it away for free. Sharon Stone? There's no way she's good in bed. Pamela Anderson? Well, maybe. But nobody ever said Marilyn Monroe was good in bed, they just said they'd like to find out for themselves. Likewise with the men. Brad Pitt? No way he's good in bed. George Clooney? Well, maybe. Tom Cruise? Gimme a break. He'd approach it like a test pilot - takeoff to landing in a new world's record. But you never know. I would have thought Bill Clinton was good in bed before we found out just how bad he is. Monica Lewinsky, on the other hand, seems like she'd be kind of fun.
What does it mean to be good in bed? Put another way, what does it take to be good in bed? I'd say it takes flexibility - not physical flexibility, although that helps, but mental flexibility, emotional flexibility, the ability to go with the flow. I'd also say it takes imagination, an ability to direct the flow. Sex is a bit of a theatrical act, and you need to both memorize your lines and improvise when necessary. Finally, I'd say it takes desire - not a desire to do well, although that's helpful, but just a desire to be there with the other person. Seeing someone else turned on is such a turn-on! And if, for some reason, you just aren't all that turned on? Fake it. You will be soon enough.
Whether to hold 'em, fold 'em or have 'em bronzed, write to: MR. RIGHT, ISTHMUS, 101 KING ST., MADISON, WI 53703. OR CALL 251-1206, EXT. 152. OR EMAIL MRRIGHT@ISTHMUS.COM.