Correct me if I'm wrong, but didn't you turn your attention to men shaving their pubic hair a while back? And didn't you say that while some women prefer a mown lawn and some don't, most don't really care one way or the other? Then may I direct your attention to the February 2007 issue of Esquire, specifically to the feature 'How We Have Sex Now,' wherein it is revealed that fully half of all women would prefer their men regularly trim the hedges. Another 4% embraced a scorched-earth policy. That's right, remove it all.
How do you like them apples, Mr. Right? Don't you think you owe your readers an apology? As a confirmed metrosexual, I'm proud to be among the 40% of manly men who nevertheless keep their pubic hair nicely trimmed. (Another 4% do, in fact, remove it all, apparently.) And although I'm not a Republican myself, I might as well pass along the information that, according to the survey, Republicans prefer partners who let their hair grow, whereas Democrats like theirs to take a little off the top and sides. Go figure. And have a nice day!
Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow
Hair Today: Well, aren't you just the cutest little thing, with your carefully coiffed pubes and your handful of statistics ' Sir Galahad come to slay the fire-breathing dragon. You must not know who you're dealing with, Norelco Breath. I was shaving my pubes when you were still in the bathroom, door locked, sitting on the toilet, pants down around the ankles, a magnifying glass aimed in the general direction of Happy Town, praying that a single follicle of hair would sprout somewhere, anywhere. And what I've learned, while you were busy turning your crotch into a Chia Pet, is that you can prove anything with lies, damn lies and statistics.
To wit: Men today are shaving their pubes in unprecedented numbers. How do we know this? Because a men's magazine whose demographic consists of men who buy grooming products advertised in men's magazines said so. The Esquire survey, which was actually a joint project of Esquire and Marie Claire magazines, seems scientific enough: 'The 1,738 respondents were randomly selected and are a representative national sample of American men and women ages 21 to 49,' according to the fine print. But may I now direct your attention to the December 2005 issue of Men's Health, which reported the results of a Men's Health/Cosmopolitan survey?
Here, it was revealed that, of the 2,000 women questioned (not clear how scientific the approach was), 44% preferred that their men's pubic hair be 'neatly trimmed.' Another 29% wanted some routine maintenance, 'but mostly unfettered.' Another 17% wanted the area 'completely bare.' And 4% wanted it to be 'artfully trimmed,' by which they appear to have meant some kind of topiary treatment ' a map of Venezuela, perhaps. Only 6% opted for 'au naturel,' as opposed to the 45% in the Esquire/Marie Claire survey. So what have we learned? We've learned that half of all women, plus or minus 50%, want men to shave their pubes.
Which is pretty much what I wrote in my previous column, Hair Today. I'd like to repeat something else I wrote there as well: God put hair down there for a reason. And by 'God,' I mean Mother Nature, who, if she'd wanted our pubes 'artfully trimmed,' would have trimmed them herself. But she had more important business to attend to: providing a barrier to bacteria and viruses, reducing the friction during sex and giving pheromones a place to hang out. Pheromones, you will recall, are the natural scents that trigger a sexual response. Yes, women may like the sight of a freshly mown lawn, but they also like the smell of the grass. Let it grow, let it grow, let it grow.
For all your standard deviations, write to: MR. RIGHT, ISTHMUS, 101 KING ST., MADISON, WI 53703. OR CALL 251-1206, EXT. 152. OR E-MAIL MRRIGHT@ISTHMUS.COM.