I was quite angered by the woman whose letter resulted in a column titled 'Nerd Alert.' [Note to readers: She basically groomed a virgin for success in the bedroom, then got dumped by him once he knew what he was doing. ' Mr. Right] She seems to blame her ex-boyfriend for her mistakes, then goes on to tell the whole world to avoid less-experienced guys.
That hits close to home, as I'm an inexperienced middle-aged male. It's hard enough to get dates without someone telling women to avoid me simply because I've been unwilling to do one-night stands! What's especially silly is that she recommends that your readers 'restrict [themselves] to guys who have already figured out how to be a guy.' Where does she think those guys come from? It certainly isn't from reading Playboy!!
I think her problem isn't with her ex's lack of experience or gratitude. I think it's with her attempt to play Svengali. There's an old adage about not expecting to change someone you're in a relationship with, and that certainly applies here. It's almost certain to lead to resentment. Moreover, if the Svengali is successful, the Svengali's subject is going to become attractive to other people as well. And those other people aren't going to carry the baggage the Svengali carries. So the subject usually moves on.
It's undoubtedly true that less-experienced men need more 'training' than someone who's poked every coed in town. But every man, experienced or not, needs some training in how to please his partner. So the correct lesson to draw from her experience, I think, is that if you find yourself saying that your partner would be perfect if he/she would 'just do x, y and z,' you probably should get out of the relationship. But if you enjoy their company and can accept them for who they are (not who you wish they were), then go for it.
Sexually Challenged, But Not Intending to Stay That Way
Sexually Challenged: You had me at hello, then lost me at goodbye. I, too, thought Ms. Svengali threw it on a little thick with the resentment, given that 1) she'd obviously had the time of her life customizing her 'lump of clay' to her particular needs, and 2) she admitted that she didn't miss him very much, since he was 'too unformed for me to completely fall for.' But I think if you read between the lines, it's pretty clear that what she was trying to pass off as sour grapes was in fact closer to a fine wine. She enjoyed playing Professor Henry Higgins to her Eliza Doolittle, and she sure didn't mind the rest of us hearing about it. In fact, she almost appeared to be bragging, if you ask me.
So why did she tell 'you ladies out there' to avoid nerdy virgins like the plague? I don't know, maybe so she can have them all to herself. And here's where you lost me, Sexually Challenged. I can see why you'd find Ms. Svengali's call for a nerdy-virgin fatwa a little annoying, but weren't you able to read between the lines? Didn't you pick up on the bragging? Ms. Svengali or no Ms. Svengali, let me assure you that, in my personal experience, women love virgins. In fact, I've often wished I still had my virginity so I could lose it all over again. 'You want me to put it where?' I would ask with all the innocence of a boy scout on his first camping trip.
So, although I wouldn't lead with the fact that you're a virgin, Sexually Challenged, I wouldn't run away from it either. Once you've got a woman interested in you, it will only add to your mystique. Now how to get a woman interested in you....
Another column, another day.
To turn your marriage into an endless series of one-night stands, write to: MR. RIGHT, ISTHMUS, 101 KING ST., MADISON, WI 53703. OR CALL 251-1206, EXT. 152. OR E-MAIL MRRIGHT@ISTHMUS.COM.