I had an experience recently that I'm reluctant to share with you, but I'm afraid I must. After dinner and a movie, I found myself in bed with a particular gentleman who shall remain nameless. Everything was proceeding as you might expect, but when he stood up for reasons that I'm not going to go into, I noticed that his blade was more than a little bent. I've heard of curvature before. Didn't Bill Clinton lean to the left, according to Monica Lewinsky? But this one didn't lean to the left, it bent toward the floor, as if it were broken. It was hard to believe he wasn't in immense pain, but I didn't ask him about it, just pretended it was perfectly normal.
Question: Was it perfectly normal? He's from out of town, so you don't have to worry about hurting his feelings.
Eyes on the Prize
Eyes on the Prize: Well, thanks for sharing. And on behalf of all men everywhere, most of whom have at least a little bend in the river, I'd like to thank you for paddling on. We realize that our equipment can be a source of both wonder and amusement, despite the fact that we've never, in the entire history of mankind, laughed at yours. And we appreciate it when one of you manages to keep a straight face, even though the joke, in your opinion, is on us. Laughter, as I'm sure you know, is not conducive to the performance of our duties. We have our pride, but it's almost all bluster. One little snicker and the whole thing's pointing toward the floor.
But you seem more alarmed than amused, and perhaps with good reason. I'm not a urologist, I just watch them on TV, but it sounds to me as if your gentleman caller has Peyronie's disease. That's what Bill Clinton allegedly had as well, although I've always felt he leaned to the right, not the left. (That Hillary's a centrist I leave to you to ponder.) And the woman who revealed his inclination wasn't Monica Lewinsky but Paula Jones, who used the information to substantiate her claim that she'd been sexually harassed. Perhaps only Michael Jackson knows how Slick Willie felt when that little tidbit came out. It's always embarrassing when your privates go public.
Peyronie's disease is less a disease than a condition, and it basically means that the penis, when erect, has what is considered an abnormal curve in it. As I mentioned before, most men have what is considered a normal curve, but some of us get carried away. Not to the point of one of those balloon animals, mind you, but to the point where it can be painful or interfere with the ability to have intercourse. No one seems to know what causes the condition, but one theory is that it's caused by the scar tissue that forms as a result of trauma, and not necessarily a major trauma. The mini-traumas of rough sex could put an angle in your dangle.
Or not. It could also be hereditary. There are various treatments - vitamin E, steroids, surgery - with various success rates. And sometimes the condition moves on as mysteriously as it arrived. But if it just arrived, I would have it checked out, because catching it early can make a difference. On the other hand, if it's not bothering you and it's been here a while, there's no reason to go around the bend, as it were. And although you were too polite to go into the details, Eyes, I'm going to infer that, though not straight as an arrow, our man hit his mark. Franois de la Peyronie himself would be proud, although one little snicker and....
To help straighten me out, write to: MR. RIGHT, ISTHMUS, and 101 KING ST., MADISON, WI 53703. OR CALL 251-1206, EXT. 152. OR EMAIL MRRIGHT@ISTHMUS.COM.