The Trump presidency has many of us uneasy about the future. Casual cruelty. “Fake” news. Nuclear war. Have you read Trump’s tweets taunting “Rocket Man”?
Yes, these days, preparing for apocalyptic eventualities has gone mainstream. So this holiday, give the gift of peace of mind to your loved ones. They’ll be ready when the shit hits the fan. We promise it’s going to be terrific. The best gifts. The greatest. Believe it. You’ll be receiving so much gratitude, you will literally be sick to your stomach.
Emergency supplies
Water, water everywhere and every drop will make you sick. If all hell breaks loose, access to clean water is the top priority. The Lifestraw, a portable water filter, makes for a great stocking stuffer for just about anyone (especially campers).
But in the event of a catastrophic natural disaster, it pays to be prepared for the long haul. Even if Trump sends help, you know he’s going to be kind of a dick about it. FEMA estimates that in an emergency situation every person needs a gallon of water per day for drinking and hygiene. For a family of four, that’s 28 gallons (about a bathtub full) of water to last just one week. That’s where the WaterBrick comes in. This food-grade container holds 3.5 gallons of water and is stackable. Just remember to replace the water every six months.
If you’re encouraging someone to start caching water in their basement, might as well also prepare them for the day all the grocery stores run dry. The Organic Survival Seed Vault from Patriot Seeds has over 21 varieties of USDA-certified organic heirloom seeds for a garden filled with everything from carrots to watermelons. It includes resealable Mylar storage bags and a detailed guide on how to save seeds for future harvests, too. The shelf life is five years, so if we survive Trump’s first term, your favorite green thumb will still have all the seeds she needs for an impressive vegetable garden.
Lifestraw
Cost: $20
Where: Dick’s Sporting Goods, East Towne and West Towne, 608-241-2764, 608-829-1313
WaterBrick
Cost: $60 (for a two-pack).
Where: amazon.com
Organic Survival Seed Vault
Cost: $30
Where: mypatriotsupply.com
USB Security Key
Avoid chants of “lock her up” by helping your giftee protect her data. Yubico makes USB security keys that prevent unauthorized access to computers, email and social media accounts. It’s a real-life two-step authorization solution. Take a quiz on the company’s website to determine which of its products will work best.
Cost: $18-$60
Where: yubico.com
Survival guide
The most practical gift for anyone worried about the future is a tried-and-true survival guide. We recommend the third edition of John “Lofty” Wiseman’s SAS Survival Handbook. One reviewer described it as the Joy of Cooking for survival. Wiseman gives the basics for making it through all manner of disaster scenarios — how to stay alive while afloat in open water, cross dangerous areas safely and track and kill animals. The third edition, released in 2014, includes a chapter on urban survival that details terrorist attacks and the aftermath of nuclear war.
Ellsworth Jaeger’s Wildwood Wisdom is another gem. Originally written in 1945, this history of 1800s living is a reminder that humanity thrived for tens of thousands of years without big box stores. Wildwood Wisdom includes old-world knowledge on fire-making, building shelters from hand-gathered materials and making clothing.
Cost: SAS Survival Handbook: The Ultimate Guide to Surviving Anywhere ($22), Wildwood Wisdom ($13)
Where: Local bookstores
Fire extinguisher
A fire extinguisher is a great gift when the end of the world is confined to your kitchen. Give one to your kid. He might not seem enthusiastic at first. But when a grease fire gets out of control, you’ll be a freaking hero. We recommend the First Alert 2.5 Lb. Household Fire Extinguisher. This model has a 10-year warranty, can be recharged and comes in a stylish pewter finish.
Cost: $22
Where: Ace Hardware, 1398 Williamson St., 608-257-1630, acehardware.com
Gold coins
That stock in Exact Sciences? Cash in your bank account? Your Beanie Babies collection? Completely worthless when the global financial system is hacked or collapses. So ditch the fiat currency and give something with real value: gold.
Gold coins from the U.S. Mint are pricey. We’re guessing you’ll “just say no” to the 2016 half-ounce Nancy Reagan gold coin ($820). But you’ll still find plenty of cool gifts at a local coin store. And who knows? One day, a few gold coins could buy your friend’s freedom from the warlord who controls what remains of her neighborhood.
Cost: Varies.
Where: Madison Coin & Stamp, 1123 S. Park St., 608-257-9698
Jim’s Coins & Precious Metals, 726 N. Midvale Blvd. (Hilldale), 608-233-2118
University Coin & Jewelry, 6801 University Ave. in Middleton, 608-831-1277
Radiation detector
The ultimate gift to the paranoid: a military-grade Geiger counter.
Sportsman’s Guide sells a surplus U.S. military radiation detector that’s a must-have for riding out the worst of any nuclear attack. It even has a removable spool of cable to detect harmful gamma-radiation levels remotely, presumably from an underground bunker. It looks pretty badass, too.
The recipient of this gift — if they ever need it — will probably describe you as a prophetic deity to future generations. Your thoughtful gesture this holiday might very well be noted in the new religious texts that emerge in the wake of the human race’s near extinction.
Cost: $150
Where: sportsmansguide.com
Requires one D battery (not included)