Thank you Pro-Life Wisconsin! I have been trying to get out of buying too many boxes of Girl Scout cookies for years. Now I finally have an excuse -- the Girl Scouts are nothing but a front for the Hillary Clinton for President and Dictator of the World campaign!
Like many of you, I have several kids in my family, along with kids of friends, kids of coworkers and my wife's coworkers, and neighborhood kids who push cookies on me at this time of year. They show up at my door, they email me, their parents email me. How can you say no? And, in fact, the Thin Mints are delicious.
But now, when some little eight-year old shows up at my door, I'll be ready.
Girl Scout: Do you want to buy some Girl Scout cookies!
Me: So, you're just assuming I'm supporting Hillary Clinton then?
Girl Scout: Huh?
Me: Don't be coy with me, little sister. The Girl Scouts publish a guidebook called Journeys in which Hillary Clinton has been featured.
Girl Scout: And Mother Teresa.
Me: And Geraldine Ferraro!
Girl Scout: And Elizabeth Dole!
Me: Let's move on. Your organization is clearly pro-abortion.
Girl Scout: What's your evidence?
Girl Scout: So?
Me: So, one of them was Texas state Senator Wendy Davis, who put on a filibuster to stop new restrictions on abortion.
Girl Scout: Yes. And one of them was Beyoncé too.
Me: And one of them was Wendy Davis!
Girl Scout: And one of them was Malala Yousafzai!
Me: Let's move on. What's clear to me is that the Girl Scouts are trying to present young women with role models who are strong, determined and influential. What I object to, along with Pro-Life Wisconsin and Pro-Life Wacko -- I mean Waco (as in Texas) -- is the balance. If your organization would just feature right-wingers like Sarah Palin and religious figures like Mother Teresa, I'd be okay with that.
Girl Scout: So you'd be okay with the Nuns on the Bus?
Me: Oh, yeah. Forgot about them. Just Sarah Palin then.
Girl Scout: (Looking at me closely.) Hey, you look sort of familiar. My mom said you used to be somebody. She said you were a liberal! You're just trying to get out of buying cookies!
Me: Well, uh, alright then. Give me two boxes of the Thin Mints.
Girl Scout: Did I hear you say two boxes of Thin Mints?
Me: Three. Make that three boxes.
Girl Scout: That's better. And let's add some shortbread cookies for you. They're now gluten-free.