Look, I never liked cats anyway. I don't like the attitude. The thing about dogs is that they're grateful for everything they get -- food, a walk, or when you toss them a ball and they go nuts with gratitude.
Cats, on the other hand, give you the impression that it's your privilege to serve them, that every chunk of tuna was their entitlement. If you think of cats and dogs combined making up 100% of the dog and cat universe, than cats would make up 47% of it, if you catch my drift.
Now science has given us powerful new evidence to be wary of cats: they are homicidal maniacs. A study released this week by the Smithsonian and the Fish & Wildlife Service estimates that cats kill 2.4 billion birds and 12.3 billion other mammals every year.
(Full disclosure here: I have encouraged our neighbor's cat to eat the chipmunks that eat my tomatoes. But this is an exception, and a noble cause that has as its ultimate goal the protection of vegetables, so it's alright.)
This is why the National Rifle Association is against banning assault weapons. Don't you think the cats are just waiting for the liberals to disarm us so that they can kill us in our sleep? Don't be nave. Thank you, NRA, for protecting not just our freedoms but our very lives from the killers in our own households.
Now, truth is, I would like our dog Calvin to display a little more in the way of cat-like aggressive behavior. He generally ignores other creatures hanging out in his own backyard. And when he does notice them, he does what the Shetland Sheepdog has been bred to do for centuries -- he attempts to herd them.
Now, this is actually a very Madison thing. Calvin would herd the tomato-eating chipmunks, gather them together, put them through a ten step sensitivity training ("we need to respect how much time and effort Dave puts into his tomatoes"), and release them back into the neighborhood where they could be responsible chipmunk citizens.
However, the herding dog program of compassionate redirection of chipmunk energies has not been effective. Cats would know exactly what to do.
So, the bottom line for me is that, while I wouldn't want one under my own roof, and while cats are actually a serious threat to biological diversity, they do kill some stuff that I want dead. The responsible thing is to keep your cat close to home, but lend him out to a neighbor with a serious chipmunk problem.
That problem solved, let's move on to the big event this weekend: the Super Bowl. If you're like most Packer fans, you just don't care much. If the Vikings, Bears or Cowboys were in the Super Bowl, we could cheer for whoever it was they were playing against. I don't like the Giants much either. I would have cheered for Seattle (despite what happened early in the season) because they have Russell Wilson.
But San Francisco and Baltimore? They both have great seafood, but what else do you need to know?
It's a close call but I've decided to pull for the Ravens. For one thing, I like John better than Jim Harbaugh. Jim's too intense for me. He strikes me as a guy who downs one of those five-hour energy drinks every two hours.
Also, winning the Super Bowl would be a much bigger deal for Baltimore than it would be for San Francisco. I mean if the 49ers win, San Franciscans will say that was "lovely" and go out for sushi. If the Ravens win, Baltimoreans might overturn some cars.
Well, that's all I've got for now, kids. Have a good weekend.