In the wake of yet another mass killing by an apparently deranged man legally armed to the teeth, President Obama and House Speaker John Boehner put the partisan rhetoric aside and came together in a joint show of clichés and platitudes. With so much bickering back and forth between the parties, it's refreshing to know that they can agree that senseless violence and needless deaths will continue as both parties cower before the National Rifle Association. Finally, something both Republicans and Democrats can agree on!
Penn State received its comeuppance for covering up Jerry Sandusky's abuse of children. They were fined $60 million, lost a bunch of football scholarships, and have to pretend that they didn't win a whole bunch of games since 1998. Given this change, the Badgers went back and recalculated everything, and it turns out we actually won the national championship four times!
For the next decade or so, teams playing Penn State will be asked to start their marching bands against the Nittany Lions so as not to run up the score too badly. This is good, though the NCAA didn't bother to do anything about the misplaced reverence for sports, especially football, that permeates Division I culture. I think about this every time I eat the sacred brat in front of the statues of Barry Alvarez and Pat Richter outside of Camp Randall Stadium, may their names be forever blessed!
On the international level, the world discovered this week that the young hunk Kim Jong-un, the absolute dictator of North Korea and a dead ringer for the Subway sandwich guy Jared, is married. Sorry, ladies, but the Kim-Man is now a hitched man. Official state television introduced the new missus as "Comrade Ri Sol-Ju." And what a comely comrade she is in her fashionable tailored suits. Move over, Kate Middleton. Let me tell you something. If the North Koreans get nukes, there's nobody I'd rather see the free world be terrorized by than Comrade Ri Sol-Ju.
Also, this just in... Mitt Romney touched down in Europe and insulted the entire United Kingdom in seconds, questioning their preparations for the Olympics. And they're on our side. Imagine what he could do if he were president! I'll bet he could start a nuclear war with Mrs. Jong-un in a matter of minutes!
And, in sports, the Milwaukee Brewers... oh God, I can't bear to go on.
That's all I've got for now. Have a good weekend, kids!