Dear Tell All: I never doubted my parents’ monogamous relationship. They were a loving couple and were good parents to my brother and me. They seemed so solid, in fact, that I ignored signs of trouble that are only obvious in retrospect.
Starting a couple years ago, my dad had a sudden uptick in “business obligations” at night and on weekends. He would cut out of family events early or not come at all.
After months of covering his tracks, Dad got careless. A family friend saw him out at dinner on the Capitol Square with another woman and alerted my mom.
It turns out he was leading a double life, and he wasn’t willing to give up his lover even after the secret came out. Following an epic fight with my mom, he left our house and moved in with the other woman.
I haven’t spoken with him since the day he left, and that’s been about a year. My brother has kept up contact and is now trying to convince me to forgive him. I find it impossible to do, given that my mom is still devastated by what happened. She’s all alone in our old house, though my brother and I still live in Madison and visit her as much as we can. Whenever I see how hurt she is, I know I couldn’t bear to speak to my father again.
In the meantime, he has reached out to me by phone and text. He’s even left letters in my mailbox and notes on my door. He has apologized for the pain he caused our family, but he’s also tried to make himself seem sympathetic by explaining his behavior. He claims that he’d felt unhappy in the marriage, that he’s been revitalized by his relationship with the other woman, and that he regrets keeping it all a secret rather than honestly making a clean break.
These explanations only make me madder, Tell All. Am I supposed to forgive the man who walked out on my mother?
Oedipus Wrecked
Dear Oedipus: Yes, you’re supposed to forgive him. Can’t you see that forgiveness is preferable to the state of rage you’re currently living in? After all, your father has apologized, along with providing a reasonable explanation for what he did. True, he deserves blame for lying, but he also deserves credit for acknowledging his mistake. When someone begs you for mercy — especially a parent — you yourself would deserve credit for granting it.
I’m sure it’s painful to realize that your father is human, Oedipus, but as a grown man you probably should have guessed it earlier. Face it: Marriages run out of steam, and people aren’t necessarily villains for wanting out. Take care of your mother, feel glad for your father’s new lease on life, and let go of your anger. Those are your best options.
Do you have a question about life or love in Madison?
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