Dear Tell All: I had an acrimonious divorce from my husband last year. I knew what a cold, deceitful bastard he was, but most of our friends bought into the nice-guy act he put on in public. And, granted, he was demonically good at it. He could come off like the best pal you ever had while chatting with another couple at dinner: sympathetic, companionable, sensitive. Only I could see how phony it all was, based on what he said in private.
During and after the breakup, I tried talking with my closest friends about his appalling behavior. Gallingly, few of them would acknowledge it. In one way or another, they stuck up for him, and most of them continue to socialize with him. I stopped short of telling them what he’d said about them behind their backs, because I wasn’t willing to stoop that low to win the argument.
It caught my attention when hackers recently revealed the personal information of people in search of adulterous hookups on the Ashley Madison website. I plugged in my ex-husband’s email address and, lo and behold, there he was. I wasn’t surprised, but I bet our old friends would be.
So that leads me to my question: Should I tell my friends about this cheating bastard? It would serve him right, and it would provide me with vindication. I never see him anymore, but I get a thrill imagining the look on his face when he realizes his secret is out.
Moved On
Dear Moved On: In a word: No. You mentioned that, in earlier discussions with your friends, you didn’t want to “stoop that low to win the argument.” So why stoop that low now? After the momentary satisfaction of spilling your ex-husband’s secret, you probably won’t feel that good about yourself. And your friends probably won’t feel that good about you either. True, they’ll see your ex-husband in a different light, but they’ll see you in a different light too.
It appears that you really haven’t moved on, Moved On. You say you’d get a thrill imagining the look on your ex’s face, but why imagine his face at all? He’s part of your past, not your present or your future. My suggestion is never to search for his email address again, no matter what the hackers come out with next. True happiness for you will involve finding someone with a stronger moral character than your ex-husband — along with, perhaps, finding more perceptive friends.
Do you have a question about life or love in Madison?
Write Tell All, 100 State St., Madison, WI 53703. Or email tellall@isthmus.com.