Dear Tell All: My boyfriend and I met in a Madison housing co-op. He prides himself on not caring about material things, including clothes. I respect this philosophy — except when it’s time to dress up for important occasions. Like meeting my parents.
My parents live in the suburbs and are (very) straight. They’re supportive and loving, although they’ve never really understood my alternative lifestyle. So I downplay it when I see them, as much as I can without lying. I prefer to avoid confusing them, offending them or hurting their feelings in any way.
With things getting more serious between my boyfriend and me, I’ve suggested that he come to my parents’ house for dinner. I’ve also suggested that he dress appropriately, with a nice shirt and pants rather than the rags he usually wears. That caused the biggest fight we’ve ever had. He accused me of being a hypocrite who won’t stand up for my values around my parents.
We’ve been going around and around, and neither of us will budge. He insists he won’t dress up in any special way to see my parents, and I won’t take him there if he doesn’t. Who’s right and who’s wrong?
Tie Dye
Dear Tie Dye: “Right” and “wrong” aren’t relevant to settling this argument, because both positions are defensible. You’re justified in asking your boyfriend to dress in a way that your parents find acceptable. And he’s justified in refusing to be anyone other than who he really is.
That said, I have sad news: this guy isn’t right for you. A suitable boyfriend would take your feelings into account. But your boyfriend doesn’t care about you enough to compromise, even on a matter as small as changing clothes for an evening. Leave him to his precious rags, Tie Dye, while you seek out a more sympathetic partner.
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