Dear Tell All: This might be a problem that only occurs in Madison, but my boyfriend sometimes seems too sensitive to my needs.
Jeff (not his real name) styles himself as an enlightened modern male, with a toolkit full of active-listening and conflict-resolution skills. He encourages me to let him know whenever he does anything that bothers me or hurts my feelings. And after two years together, he still asks my permission constantly, whether in social situations or in the bedroom. It doesn’t matter if we’ve been engaging in heavy foreplay for a half-hour — he still pauses to earnestly ask if I’m okay with moving on to intercourse.
Yes, for God’s sake, I’m okay with moving on to intercourse! Thanks for spoiling the mood again, Jeff.
I’m at an age when I want to settle down with someone and have kids, and our relationship is 99 percent wonderful. But is Jeff the right one? I’m starting to worry that his New Age sensitivity will drive me crazy over the long haul.
Exasperated
Dear Exasperated: So this guy listens to you, takes your feelings into account, and tries extra-hard to meet your needs in bed? Poor woman! I hope and pray your nightmare ends soon.
Sorry for the sarcasm, Exasperated. It’s just that a lot of us would kill for a partner like that, and here you are complaining. I’m tempted to advise you to end your relationship with Jeff so I can snatch him up for myself.
But that would not be worthy of my sterling reputation for integrity. So here’s what I’d suggest instead: Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth. By your own admission, the relationship is 99 percent wonderful. Even as an incurable romantic, I can’t in good conscience advise you to hold out for 100 percent with somebody else. At this stage of the game, there’s too much of a chance that you’ll find only men in the 50-60 percent range, and then where will you be?
Answer: thinking back wistfully to the guy who made sure you felt okay with moving on to intercourse.
Work with what you have, Exasperated, and see if you can push 99 percent up one more point. Let Jeff know that he doesn’t have to ask for permission 24/7. Let him know that he can loosen up in the bedroom and in social situations. It’s hard to believe you won’t get results with a man who specializes in granting your requests.
Do you have a question about life or love in Madison?
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