Dear Tell All: I’m involved with a woman who is intensely involved in social justice causes. She has a big heart and will do anything to help someone in need. I’m community-minded myself, volunteering for a couple organizations in the Madison area. But I’m increasingly aware of a difference between us in terms of commitment and self-sacrifice.
Last fall we moved in together, renting the bottom floor of a small house off Willy Street. Since then, there have been several occasions when her activist friends asked if individuals or groups could crash on our floor. These range from poor people to families in crisis to penniless political organizers passing through town. Sometimes the request is for a night, and sometimes it’s for an indefinite period.
My girlfriend is always in favor of throwing open our doors, and I’m not. As sympathetic as I am to people desperate for a place to stay, I value my personal space. Unlike her, I like things clean and organized and need privacy after a day of work.
We’ve had screaming matches over this conflict, and so far I’ve gotten my way by simply refusing to give in. But I feel guilty about it, and my girlfriend’s activist friends now shoot me the evil eye. Apparently, my reputation is spreading as the guy who doesn’t care about people in need.
I do care about them, but I also care about myself. Should I stick with my closed-door policy or open the door to others at the expense of my own peace of mind?
Within Reason
Dear Within Reason: There are more choices than just a closed door or an open door. You can also walk out the door yourself.
No one is in the wrong here. I admire your girlfriend for wanting to help, and I applaud you for acknowledging your limits. But with passionate feelings on both sides, something has to give.
I see two choices: continuing the relationship from separate apartments or breaking up. I hate to tell you, Within Reason, but the latter may be in your best interests. Paradoxically, your girlfriend’s heart is so big that there might not be enough room for you in there.
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