Dear Tell All: My husband started a state job about a year ago and bonded intensely with one of his coworkers — a female. He’d come home every day and say “Catherine this” and “Catherine that.” He repeated funny things she said, which were meaningless to me out of context and didn’t really sound all that funny.
I was jealous, but I didn’t say anything because the friendship seemed harmless — at first. As the months passed, however, they started seeing each other outside of work. They’d go to happy hour on State Street or meet for a walk on weekends. I was always officially invited to these social occasions, and I went a couple of times, but I felt like a third wheel, especially when they talked about workplace issues.
I’m too proud to confront my husband with my hurt feelings. I don’t want to look weak or petty — and frankly, I don’t want to acknowledge Catherine’s significance. Why should I, the wife, have to feel inferior to her, the workplace friend?
Instead, I’m thinking of evening the score in small ways. For example, I’ve started buddying up to a guy in my own workplace — someone I’ve always liked but never seen outside of work. My plan is to ask him out to happy hour and see how my husband feels about it. I realize it’s not the most mature thing I’ve ever done, but should I care if it makes me feel better?
Scorned
Dear Scorned: You say you don’t want to look weak or petty, but that’s exactly what you’ll seem like by following through on your happy-hour strategy.
I don’t want to minimize your feelings, but it’s possible you’re overreacting. Are you really being “scorned,” or does your husband just have a perfectly harmless new friend who happens to be female? To judge by the fact that he asks you along on social events with her, I’m guessing it’s the latter.
Ultimately, there’s only one way to find out for sure: ask him about it. Admit your feelings of insecurity and request basic reassurances. That may well be the most mature thing you’ll ever do, Scorned, and it’s likely to solve your problem while preserving your dignity.
Do you have a question about life or love in Madison?
Write Tell All, 100 State St., Madison, WI 53703. Or email tell all@isthmus.com.
