Dear Tell All: I’m relatively new to Madison — I moved here in 2014 from Memphis — and am still getting used to the city’s manners and mores. I considered myself an extreme liberal in Tennessee, but here I feel like a conservative, both politically and socially. Though it hasn’t been an easy transition, I’m determined to take my place as a true Madisonian in 2017.
Along those lines, here are my Madison New Year’s resolutions.
- I will pretend that infinitesimal differences between craft beers are meaningful.
- I will not ask “Russ who?” about that political candidate who inexplicably put only his first name on yard signs.
- I will give up bookstores and the public library and choose all my books at random from quaint Little Free Libraries.
- I will gravely discuss the status of “local sourcing” at every restaurant I patronize.
- I will learn to pronounce “Oconomowoc,” “Cieslewicz” and “Knoche’s.”
- I will speak wistfully of “the protests.”
- I will revere bicyclists while failing to yield to them in my car.
- I will never suggest that Democratic politicians practice moderation to win elections, except in jest.
- I will utter Frank Lloyd Wright’s name only in hushed tones.
- I will cross myself and throw salt over my left shoulder whenever someone says Gov. Scott Walker’s name.
- I will expect no sympathy when wailing about my staggering property-tax bill.
- I will not gag while eating a cheese curd but will politely ask for another.
- I will not expect a UW-Madison student pedestrian to stop for oncoming traffic at an intersection, or even to check if a car might be barreling toward them.
- I will care about Aldo Leopold. I really, really will.
So what do you think, Tell All? If I keep these resolutions, will I be a native in 2017?
New Round Here
Dear New Round Here: I hate to tell you this, but you’re already a native. Making merciless inside jokes about Mad City is the clearest possible proof of citizenship.
Happy New Year, and see you at Knoche’s.
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