Dear Tell All: A close friend of mine recently came out after years of trying to date women. During that time, we didn’t talk much about his interest in men, even though it was evident to me and his other friends. I sensed from his responses to probing questions that the subject was off limits.
Similarly, we haven’t talked much about his deeper feelings about his new gay lifestyle. On the other hand, we’ve talked extensively about what that lifestyle entails. My friend has told me about his immersion in Madison’s queer underground, which involves near-constant sexual activity with strangers.
From what I gather, he arranges meetups online and rarely sees the same person twice. He goes to their apartments, and they come to his. Sometimes the trysts occur outdoors in a public place.
I’m trying to suppress my horror at his seemingly out-of-control behavior, but it’s hard to do. I can’t help worrying about what disease he might contract or what terrible thing might happen if he encounters a less-than-benevolent stranger.
I’d like to tell him to knock off the hookups and find someone to date — someone he actually cares about, and who cares about him. This could lead to stability and happiness, rather than the frantic form of pleasure he’s experiencing now. But I’m reluctant to broach the subject with him, for obvious reasons.
What options do I have?
Square
Dear Square: You say you’re reluctant to broach the subject “for obvious reasons,” but they’re not obvious to me. You describe this guy as “a close friend,” and in my view, this is exactly the sort of thing close friends can and should talk about.
That’s not to say the conversation will necessarily go well. Your friend might be offended if you question his lifestyle. Then again, if you’re worried about him, I’d say you have an obligation to share your perspective.
He might counter that you’re being unreasonable, and he might be right. Plenty of people enjoy themselves in Madison’s sexual underground, and there’s nothing wrong with doing so. The important thing to establish is that your friend is taking the proper safety precautions.
There you have it: a perfect way to begin the conversation.
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