Dear Tell All: I’ve been part of a wonderful circle of friends ever since my kids were little. We all live in the same Madison neighborhood and have children roughly the same age. The kids grew up together and developed close relationships. Meanwhile, the adults regularly organized large group dinners for the half-dozen families, as well as socializing with each other in many other ways. We’ve all come to love and trust one another.
It was an idyllic situation for me — until a new couple intruded on our happy group.
This husband and wife moved nearby a couple years ago with their son. They got to know another couple in our group through school sports. Suddenly, the new family was showing up at our social events on an irregular basis. Then it gradually became more regular. Now they’re a full-fledged part of the group, meaning I see them on an almost weekly basis.
The problem is, I despise them. While everyone else in our circle is warm and caring, I sense a deep coldness in this husband and wife. They’re appealing on the surface, but I don’t think they give a damn about any of us.
Definitely not me. I’ve tried engaging with them and gotten nothing in return. They can talk amusingly enough about themselves, but they show no curiosity about my life. I find it stunningly rude.
Unfortunately, none of the other couples seem to notice. They’ve all accepted these intruders into the group, taken in by their surface charm. It’s getting to the point where I don’t want to socialize with my old friends anymore.
So what should I do? I’m afraid that bringing up my concerns with the other couples would only make me look petty and weird.
Insider Turned Outsider
Dear Insider: If no one else in your group feels the same way about the cold couple, you’re in a tough spot. You don’t have to invite them to your own events, of course, but you have no control over who invites them to other social gatherings.
Are you sure no one feels the same way? One couple was responsible for bringing these people into your group, and it’s possible others dislike them as much as you do. Maybe they’re just too polite to say anything about it, like you.
You mentioned how much you trust your old friends, Insider. That makes me think you can discreetly broach the subject with them. If it turns out they agree with you, the group can work together to expunge the intruders.
If your friends disagree, it’s not the end of the world. Given how much they care about you, I doubt they’ll regard you as petty and weird. Hopefully they’ll be concerned about your feelings and will help you work toward a solution. Maybe they’ll plan extra social events that don’t include the cold couple, or maybe they’ll be sensitive about who sits next to whom at the next group dinner.
It’s also possible they can help you make peace with your enemies. After all, what seems like coldness is sometimes just shyness. For your sake, I hope that proves to be the case.
Do you have a question about life or love in Madison?
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