Dear Tell All: I’m from the generation when everyone was either a “he” or “she.” But since my daughter got to be a teenager, pronouns have become strangely complicated.
Several of her friends have announced a change from “he” to “she” or “she” to “he.” One of them prefers to go by “they.” These are kids I’ve known for years, and I feel ridiculous addressing them by a different pronoun. When I mentioned this to my daughter, she blew up at me. How dare I resist calling them what they want to be called?
Okay, so I tried. I gamely called a former boy “she” and a former girl “he.” In the case of “they,” I just tried talking around the pronoun so I wouldn’t have to make a fool of myself by referring to a single person in the plural.
Admittedly, I messed up once in a while and used forbidden pronouns. My missteps have been greeted with contempt from both my daughter and her friends.
It’s gotten to the point where I don’t want to talk to them, or about them, at all. They’re hyper-vigilant for slip-ups, and it seems to give them great pleasure to catch me in a mistake. To me, the whole thing smacks of self-righteousness — a way of feeling special and superior. It apparently doesn’t count that I mean well.
Am I doomed to be forever out of step with the younger generation just because of pronouns?
Me
Dear Me: Yes, you are doomed to be out of step with the younger generation as long as you see their concerns as “ridiculous.” You give yourself credit for meaning well, but you’re the one who seems contemptuous here.
The first step in solving this problem is for you to realize that their concerns about gender identity are real, not just a diabolical plot to make you feel stupid. Don’t fool yourself into thinking your generation predated this phenomenon. Obviously, people were just more hesitant to talk about it back then, given oppressive social norms.
Once you’ve achieved complete tolerance for your daughter’s friends, you can move on to step two: asking her to be more tolerant of you. If she’s being self-righteous, initiate a discussion about that unattractive quality and encourage a generosity of spirit.
But don’t expect results right away, Me. The only way this will work is if you model generosity of spirit yourself, and you’ve got a ways to go.
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