Dear Tell All: I've always considered myself a good father, but recently I've been shocked at what appears to be the fruits of my parenting. Over the last several months, I've watched my 16-year-old son slowly transform from a slightly weird kid (as he's always been) into...well, a full-blown antisocial crank.
The thing is, he's not into the typical "antisocial" stuff that you might think of. He dresses normally, doesn't have any piercings, doesn't do drugs — as a matter of fact, he detests that crowd. When I had a talk about drugs with him, he made an incredibly inappropriate comment about shoving "pushers" into "cremation chambers."
Maybe I'm just taking him too seriously there (yes, he's a teenager), but it's the general pattern that worries me. In particular, when I sat him down for "the talk," I was horrified to find out that he had picked up an egregious form of misogyny. Right to my face he basically told me that women were parasites and that he wants nothing to do with them because of feminism.
I know he picks up these ideas from the Internet. He's plugged in 24/7, hanging out on extremist forum boards, talking to his anonymous friends. I see that girls grab his attention, but when I talk to him about his "philosophy" he goes on diatribes and says he's only interested in the so-called purity of "two-dimensional" women (cartoon girls from the Taiwanese animations he watches every day).
How do I salvage this situation and save my son from the underbelly of the Internet?
Questioning My Parental Competence
Dear Questioning: I feel your pain. There are 1,001 ways to do the wrong thing when you’re raising a child, even for a well-intentioned father like you. “Questioning your parental competence” is a healthy exercise, and I applaud you for scrutinizing your relationship with your son. All parents should do so, all the time.
It’s possible you’re overstating the problem here. As you say, “he’s a teenager.” They tend to go through weird phases that are hard for a parent to control; they also say extreme things to get a reaction. Sometimes the best you can do is to provide a continuous reality check, such as telling your son that comments about “cremation chambers” and “women as parasites” are inappropriate. Keep reminding him of your values and countering his offensive opinions.
My ears did perk up when you said “he’s plugged in 24/7.” That’s something you can control. Cut off the source of the problem by limiting his time on the Internet and blocking him from pernicious websites. You’ll get a fight — perhaps a nasty one — but you’ll be able to give yourself credit for an instance of parental competence.
Of course, it is possible that the issue here is more serious than a teenage phase, in which case you should consult a therapist rather than a newspaper advice columnist. I’m sure you’ve considered that option, Questioning, because you’re that kind of father — the caring kind. I hope your efforts pay off in steering your son toward a happy, healthy young adulthood.
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