Dear Tell All: After dating nearly every loser in Madison, I thought all I wanted was to find a nice guy. Then I met this really sweet man, but the more time I spend with him the more I realize how little we have in common. I like to hear live music and go to the theater. He likes to go hunting and ice-fishing. Last week he actually asked me if I'd like to see his deer stand, as if that was a big step in our relationship. Am I being too picky? Is it too much to expect nice and interesting?
Bambi: If you've dated nearly every loser in Madison then you've obviously been very busy, and you must have dated my brother-in-law.
What you've discovered, Bambi, is the hunter-gatherer. You should be proud, because we don't get many confirmed sightings within Madison. Their normal habitat is the forest, although they're occasionally spotted foraging for food outside Camp Randall Stadium. In general, hunter-gatherers don't make good housemates. They're difficult to domesticate and have an annoying habit of dragging dead things into the house in the middle of the night. They also like to roll around in dead fish and disappear for long periods of time. Without ever meeting you, I think you should aim higher.
Like other primitive species, hunter-gatherers often build nests, including elaborate deer stands and fish houses, lining them with stinky socks, empty beer cans and old girly magazines. By inviting you to see his deer stand, this specimen is hoping to convince you that he would make a good mate and is capable of providing food and shelter, as crude as it may be (i.e., he's hoping to get laid). The male baboon exhibits similar behavior, proudly displaying its swollen, pink butt in hopes of attracting and arousing females.
(Now before I get blasted with emails from the UW Primate Research Center, I'd like to apologize. I'm fully aware that it is in fact the female baboon that displays its swollen, pink butt and that it is the male who becomes aroused - no surprise there - but that didn't fit this story. So like any respectable journalist, I twisted the facts to fit my personal agenda.)
Don't get me wrong: I'm not saying this guy isn't right for someone. I'm saying he's not right for you. If you're bored now, you'll be miserable in a few years.
You need to find someone who shares your interests and values. So I would encourage you to continue sampling the testosterone variety pack. Work your way through the boy-toy buffet. Buy the bad-boy Big Gulp. You may have to date a lot of men before you find your soul mate, but the dessert will be well worth it.
Do you have a question about life or love in Madison? Write Tell All, 101 King St., Madison, WI, 53703. Or email firstname.lastname@example.org.