Dear Tell All: WHERE CAN I FIND MY LOVE?
Dear Anonymous: I'm going to resist the obvious answer: on the Appalachian Trail.
My first thought when I read this question was, "Why is this person shouting?" That's generally what using all caps in an email means. Then I noticed the email address. My.mail.ru is Russia's largest social networking site. It's like Hotmail and Facebook combined, but in Russian. So of course this person is shouting; how else are they going to be heard, all the way from Russia?
Now in reality, the writer is probably just a foreign student, pecking away at a laptop in Memorial Union; a Russian immigrant; or even my creepy stalker, trying to confuse me. But it's a lot more fun to imagine that this email came all the way from Russia. And not modern, cosmopolitan Russia, but from someone buried so deep in Siberia that they couldn't see Sarah Palin's house if they were standing on the back of a yak. It's like getting a message in a bottle; a plea for help from a damsel (or dude'nikov) in distress.
If you were looking for love - not a polite, Scandinavian crush or European flirtation, but true, meaty Russian love - where else would you look but Madison, Wisconsin? It's in our nation's heartland, after all, and overflowing with a cornucopia of sensual delights. Seriously, what says "Wanna suck face?" better than beer, brats and warm cheese? Madison: where the men are sensitive, the women are beautiful and intelligent, and all the children are even more above average than those yobs in Minnesota.
The real answer, of course, is that you don't find love; it finds you, and usually when you least expect it. The key is to be ready. Make yourself available. Get out of the house. Socialize. When New Year's Eve rolls around, you're tired from a long day of work and the last thing you want to do is drag yourself out to a party, do it anyway. It's hard for the bluebird of happiness to find you if you're hiding in your yurt, buried under a blanket of borscht tins and empty vodka bottles.
In the off chance that you really are writing from Siberia: get your frostbitten touchas to Madison!
Do you have a question about life or love in Madison? Write Tell All, 101 King St., Madison, WI, 53703. Or email firstname.lastname@example.org.