Dear Tell All: I groaned after the latest headline about the Wisconsin Supreme Court - the justices voting to close their administrative conferences to the public. It makes sense that they don't want people to see them in action, given the fact that they act like toddlers, choking each other, calling each other names, etc. What is the solution to this kind of behavior? I say that if they're going to indulge in juvenile behavior, we should treat them like juveniles.
I've raised two kids, so I consider myself something of an expert. Here's what I recommend to address the court's behavior problems.
Inappropriate touching: David Prosser put his hands around Ann Walsh Bradley's neck, and Michael Gableman accused Bradley of rapping him on the head. In situations where toddlers hit each other, it's often the case that they're just hungry. Do the justices have a supply of peanut butter, crackers and juice on hand?
Bad language: Prosser has admitted to calling fellow justice Shirley Abrahamson "a total bitch." When toddlers swear, it is important not to react in any way, since it just encourages them. In other words, the other justices should ignore Prosser the next time he has an outburst.
Lying: Gableman got in trouble for distorting his opponent's record in the 2008 election, and he accused Bradley of hitting him on a date when no court business took place. When toddlers lie, they're often fantasizing, and it's necessary to explain to them the difference between make-believe and reality. Perhaps this job could be handled by a court intern.
If the Supreme Court follows my suggestions, there's a good chance the justices will develop into normal, productive members of society one day.
Dear Dad: Thanks for the tips. However, you fail to mention an obvious option: spanking. I know this technique is out of fashion, but exasperated Wisconsinites might be tempted to use it just this once.