Tell All: My friends are sexual showoffs
I’m tired of hearing about their supposedly hot lovemaking
Dear Tell All: My wife and I know a couple who specialize in TMI — "too much information.” When the four of us get together, they almost always make some reference to their ooh-la-la sex life. And they often provide details that we don’t want to hear.
For example, he lets us know that he likes blowjobs, and she lets us know what he sounds like when he climaxes. In response, my wife and I smile or giggle politely, but only because we have no idea what else to do. Why are they telling us these private things?
At some point in the evening, there’s always a moment when our friends showily grab and kiss one another right in front of us. Afterwards, they look at us in a wink-wink kind of way — and again, we smile or giggle politely, wishing we were somewhere else. Have they not noticed that other people don’t act this way in public?
I’m sure we aren’t the only ones treated to this spectacle, because our friends carry it over to social media. On Facebook, they broadcast how hot they are for each other, and commenters chime in with smarmy responses egging them on.
My wife and I like this couple in other ways but are wondering how to deal with this inappropriate behavior. It’s making us feel like prudes, and I resent that.
Courteous
Dear Courteous: I wouldn’t say your friends’ behavior is necessarily “inappropriate.” I understand that it makes you uncomfortable, but it’s apparently just fine for other people, to judge from those Facebook comments. Everyone has a different threshold for sexual openness, and yours happens to be low. Nothing wrong with that, just as there’s nothing wrong with your friends’ high threshold.
The issue is how to make these social events less awkward for you. If you want to keep your friends from doing their lovey-dovey act, Courteous, polite smiles and giggles aren’t the way to go. Indeed, that’s only encouraging these exhibitionists with positive reinforcement.
Short of demanding that they cease and desist — which could be even more awkward — your best bet is to use the behavioral conditioning technique of extinction. In this scenario, you make the unwanted behavior disappear by offering no reinforcement whatsoever. Whenever your friends kiss, wink at you, or discuss their sex life, simply don’t respond. Stare at your food or out the window; maintain a neutral expression. As psychologists will tell you, a previously learned behavior will fade away when it’s not reinforced.
Then all you have to do is hide their posts on social media, and you’ll never have to think of your friends as sexual beings again. Chalk one up for the prudes.
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