Just when you think all the good reality ideas are taken, here comes Pregnant in Heels (Tuesday, 9 p.m., Bravo). It's about "mommy concierge" Rosie Pope, who caters to preposterous pregnant women on New York City's posh Upper East Side. These women tend to be selfish, status-conscious narcissists, and Rosie knows it hence her charm. She satisfies their every whim, then rolls her eyes in private talks to the camera. It's hard to believe her customers will stick around when they hear these insults on TV, but Pregnant in Heels should at least have a hell of a single season.
In the premiere, one pregnant woman doesn't want to buy any of the necessary baby gear, fearing it will mess up the "clean lines" of her perfect apartment. "The gear we see is so baby-fied," she sniffs. Rosie answers dryly, "Well, you are having a baby." Another couple seek help with finding a "marquee name" for their child-to-be, seeing it as a key component of "the class surrounding our baby's brand."
"We don't want the first name having a J," they warn a focus group that Rosie has convened. "We don't want an E or an R."
It's too bad they have such disdain for the low-class letters J, E and R, because "Jerk" would be a perfect fit, assuming this pampered "brand" grows up the way I think he will.
Friday, 7 pm (CBS)
New CIA agent Rick (Freddy Rodriguez) becomes part of a rogue team notorious for flouting agency rules. Chaos aims for exciting drama with its double-crosses and rescues; it also aims to be a workplace comedy with its incompetent bureaucrats and bickering colleagues. "You've heard of office politics," a coworker tells Rick. "Ours come with poison pills and guns."
It's a strong premise, but Chaos trips up on execution. So far, the characters aren't too funny and the action isn't too exciting. The pilot's would-be centerpiece, Rick's swallowing a live scorpion to bluff a group of bloodthirsty Arab rebels, just feels like an outtake from Survivor circa 2001.
"You're not bad for the sake of being bad," Rick tells the rogue team in his aha moment. "You're bad for the sake of being good!"
Chaos itself needs to try something else for the sake of being good.
Kids Choice Awards
Saturday, 7 pm (Nickelodeon)
I'm still traumatized by the recent Oscar telecast, which tried so hard to deny the fact that movies, TV awards shows, and even life itself can be fun. Somewhere in hour three, when the extremely irrelevant winner for Best Sound Editing (or was it Best Sound Mixing?) was thanking his extremely irrelevant wife and children, my thoughts began to turn to the Kids Choice Awards. This is a sure cure for the Oscars: lively, funny, focused on entertaining viewers rather than stroking industry egos.
Jack Black hosts (yay!), Black Eyed Peas perform (yay!) and Robert Downey Jr., Will Ferrell and Steve Carell compete for awards (yay no tedious Natalie Portman speech to wince through!). And in the show's signature absurdist touch, green goo will be poured on important entertainment figures.
Can somebody please save a vat of that stuff for next year's Oscars? It's time for revenge against Hollywood's pretentious sound editors.
Taking on Tyson
Sunday, 9 pm (Animal Planet)
Former heavyweight boxer Mike Tyson isn't the kind of person you normally look to for entertainment value: a convicted rapist, a drug and alcohol abuser, a serial convict. But he managed to transfix the world's attention, even after his championship days, through sheer freakiness. He bit off an opponent's ear, tattooed a weird design on his face, etc.
In this new reality series, Tyson tries his hand at racing pigeons. He claims to have abandoned his freaky behavior, but since that's the only reason we've paid attention to him in recent decades, Taking on Tyson is unlikely to attract many viewers.
If Mike tattoos weird designs on the pigeons' faces, however, we might reconsider.
Monday, 8 pm (HBO)
This entertaining documentary profiles one-of-a-kind showbiz manager and producer Jerry Weintraub, whose resume includes such films as Oceans Eleven, Diner and Nashville, and tours for such musical legends as Bob Dylan, Elvis Presley and Frank Sinatra. The secret of Weintraub's success, we learn, is his refusal to accept rejection. "When he hears 'no,' he hears the word 'maybe,'" says a colleague. "And he works to get to the word 'yes.'"
So why watch a documentary about a guy who works with talented artists rather than a documentary about the talented artists themselves? First, because Weintraub is a storyteller extraordinaire, spinning hair-raising yarns about backstage shenanigans. Second, he offers a look at the kind of personality it takes daring, relentless, half-crazy to cut deals in a cutthroat industry. And third, His Way includes entertaining interviews with such Weintraub fans as Brad Pitt, Julia Roberts and George Clooney.
Look, I'm done listing reasons for you to watch His Way. I just want you to watch it, okay, and I'm not going to take no for an answer.