The Teen Choice Awards (Monday, 7 p.m., Fox) is shiny and exciting on the outside, corrupt and evil on the inside. Teens are whipped up into a frenzy over their ability to "choose" their favorite movies, music and TV shows, not realizing that elderly marketing millionaires are actually foisting these choices on them. How else to explain the multiple nominations for G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra, which no teen would choose unless under duress? How else to explain the fact that summer movies Twelve and Charlie St. Cloud were nominated before they even premiered? If you tried to point this out at the shiny and exciting ceremony, of course, you'd be gagged and led out of the auditorium by muscle-bound security guards.
If I went to the ceremony, the one truth I'd scream from the rafters is that the heavily nominated Twilight Saga: Eclipse is not the best Twilight movie yet, despite what all media outlets obediently proclaimed. THE FIRST ONE WAS THE BEST, AND THE NEW ONE IS AS BAD AS THE SECOND! THEY'RE JUST SAYING IT'S THE BEST TO TRICK US INTO BUYING TICKETS AND gurgle gag help…!
Sunday, 7 pm (ABC Family)
In this TV movie, a spoiled Malibu teen (Emma Roberts) is sent off to an English boarding school as punishment for her bratty ways. The role is a golden opportunity for Roberts to show off her comic chops, with abundant pratfalls, humiliations and mean-girl put-downs. The only problem is, she has no comic chops. She camps it up as if acting in a high school play and doesn't earn a single laugh.
Say what you will about Lindsay Lohan, but she would have killed in this role. Why oh why couldn't it be Emma Roberts in an L.A. jail and Lohan in Wild Child?
The Devil's Teardrop
Sunday, 7 pm (Lifetime Movie Network)
A sinister serial killer is loose in Washington, D.C., and an FBI agent with lustrous blond hair (Natasha Henstridge) can't sort out the clues to his next murder. Apparently, there's only one man on Earth who can interpret the physical evidence: handsome Parker Kincaid (Tom Everett Scott), an ex-agent nicknamed the Puzzle Master. But Parker has left the bureau to raise his two kids and absolutely won't consider helping with the investigation.
Well, okay, he'll consider it, despite the fact that his alcoholic ex-wife is trying to get custody and probably will if Parker goes back to police work, leaving his kids vulnerable to sinister serial killers again. These killers have a tendency to break into the Puzzle Master's house to keep him from solving their puzzles.
Yes, we're in Silly Land, but I have to admit that The Devil's Teardrop hooked me. I wanted to see who the culprit was and how the good guys stopped him. Along the way, Parker saves all of Washington, D.C., and fights the sinister serial killer hand-to-hand in his home to keep the kids safe. To me, that's a pretty decent argument for custody.
Sunday, 9:30 pm (HBO)
Every time I check in with HBO's series about Hollywood star Vince (Adrian Grenier) and his dissolute entourage, I can't believe it's still as great as ever. The characters never grow up - you can forget about that story arc - but their latest adventure is always funny and compelling, even though it's usually similar to their previous adventures. Maybe it has something to do with brilliant writing, acting and directing. Just a guess.
This week, Vince is poised for a comeback with a $100 million three-picture deal, but he's also poised to blow it by drunkenly cavorting with a porn star. Meanwhile, Ari (Jeremy Piven), the foul-mouthed agent extraordinaire, is faced with a lawsuit by an ex-employee claiming harassment. It's breathtaking to watch Ari simultaneously threaten her and throw out ever-higher settlement offers while admitting no guilt.
"Ari, I can't tell you how good it makes me feel to see you squirm," the ex-employee says.
It makes me feel good, too. This is TV squirming of the highest order.
The Real Housewives of Washington, D.C.
Thursday, 8 pm (Bravo)
Bravo's Real Housewives franchise premieres a new outlet in Washington, D.C., and you know what that means: more not-so-young narcissists grasping for men, money and social standing. As always, the women say nasty things to one another and to the camera, finding fault with everyone but themselves. And, as always, there's one housewife who really makes your skin crawl. Here, the piece of work is Michaele, a relentlessly perky blond climber married to an older dude named Tareq who loves leeching onto important people as much as she does.
With every new iteration of The Real Housewives, you wish these obnoxious rich people could be jailed for behaving the way they do. But guess what now they can! This isn't just any old season, but the one where Michaele and Tareq crash a White House party. We all remember the headlines from last year: reality-series couple caught, subpoenaed by Congress and threatened with prosecution.
It's our wish come true, folks, and I can't wait till the series covers the White House incident later in the season. Maybe there will even be a slow-motion prison sequence in season two. A guy can dream.