In The Mentalist (Tuesday, 8 p.m., CBS), Simon Baker stars as Patrick, a psychic who helps the police solve crimes. Patrick isn't a real psychic, but a showbiz type who's good at faking it. The key to his act - and his crime-solving ability - is his keen sense of observation. He picks up on cues to figure out when someone is lying. Then he makes a smug accusation and sends the perp into a paroxysm of defensive lying. "I didn't kill my daughter!" a man screams at Patrick during one such confrontation. "NOW GET THE HELL OUT OF MY HOUSE!"
I love The Mentalist. It's the best new series of the fall season. NOW GET THE HELL OUT OF MY HOUSE!
Emmy Awards, Sunday, 7 pm (ABC)
The Emmys has its fair share of overrated nominees: Mad Men, A Raisin in the Sun, actors from Ugly Betty and In Treatment. But I'm struck by the high number of deserving nominees, including the series The Office, Entourage and Curb Your Enthusiasm; the TV movies Recount, John Adams and Extras: The Extra Special Series Finale; and the actors Alec Baldwin, Glenn Close and Amy Poehler, among others. TV, it must be said, rocks, especially compared to the gassy productions that dominated this year's Oscars.
My top Emmy pick is Paul Giamatti for his brilliant performance as the revolutionary hero John Adams. If he doesn't win an award, I'm going to start a revolution myself.
God vs. Satan, Sunday, 7 pm (History Channel)
The History Channel previews Armageddon: the battle between good and evil as described by Judaism, Christianity and Islam. One can only assume that World Wrestling Entertainment is working to secure the television rights to this ultimate smackdown.
Valentine, Sunday, 7 pm (CW)
The Valentines are a family of Greek gods living in contemporary Los Angeles. Poseidon is a movie mogul and Dionysus a barkeep, with Aphrodite and Eros helping foolish mortals fall in love.
Speaking of foolish mortals, how low will the CW stoop for a series concept? Later in the season, Valentine won't be canceled so much as turned into a laurel tree.
Dancing with the Stars, Monday, 7 pm (ABC)
Dancing with the B-List Stars returns with 82-year-old actress Cloris Leachman, boy-band has-been Lance Bass and reality-show exhibitionist Kim Kardashian. Olympic beach volleyball champ Misty May-Treanor participates as well, but she infuriates her partner by slapping his palm after every dip and twirl.
Worst Week, Monday, 8:30 pm (CBS)
"Worst Sitcom" is more like it. CBS' new series is about a Seth Rogen-style sad sack (Kyle Bornheimer) who can't do anything right around his girlfriend's parents. The premise is old hat (did the producers think we'd already forgotten Meet the Parents?) and the gags are desperate. They're from the pile-on-the-disasters school of comedy - funny if you're Charlie Chaplin or Harold Lloyd, deadly if you're not. Bornheimer is not. He urinates in the family's dinner; he crashes into the father's car; he runs naked through the streets.
I wouldn't be surprised if the producers of Worst Week end up running naked through the streets of Hollywood, chased by an angry mob of investors.
Opportunity Knocks, Tuesday, 7 pm (ABC)
Warning: A game show has broken out of a Burbank studio to roam the countryside, looking for unsuspecting victims. Opportunity Knocks brings its production right to American neighborhoods and sets up shop on a family's lawn. The host knocks on the door, informs the residents that they are contestants, and drags them outside to play a family-trivia game with all their neighbors watching.
Now that TV shows are attacking us in our very homes, no one is safe. Note to self: Buy a deadbolt lock.
Do Not Disturb, Wednesday, 8:30 pm (Fox)
This new sitcom may as well have been called Horny Hotel. It's set at an inn where the employees have only one thing on their minds, and it's not complimentary shampoo. That's not necessarily a bad premise, but Do Not Disturb does nothing with it. The writers seem to think that using crude sexual slang is enough to get a laugh.
If the series is a hit, we'll know they're right. And then all of us can be the life of any party simply by repeating the words "laid" and "nailed."