I'm not writing to you for advice. I'm writing to you to offer some advice. Not to you, but to your female readers, especially those who are in the dating game. Ladies, here's my advice: Watch out for nerdy virgins who also happen to be good-looking. They will pluck you like a ripe fruit in the spring, then burn you like a pile of leaves in the fall. How do I know this? Behold, my scars:
I met Richard ' named changed to protect the guilty ' last spring at a sci-fi convention. (How weird is that?) He was very sweet, also very shy. And had (has) the most soulful eyes, beautiful teeth and a head of hair that, if it weren't so greasy, would have made beauticians cry. Introduced by a mutual acquaintance, we hit it off immediately, in part because we're into the same television shows. And despite the fact that we lived 100 miles apart, we kept it going, mostly through e-mail.
It soon became clear to me that if I wanted any more from this guy than someone to compare notes on old 'Battlestar Galactica' episodes, I was going to have to take matters into my own hands. So I invited him to come spend the weekend with me. But even then I had my work cut out for me. I basically had to seduce the guy, and it was obvious, in the middle of doing so, that he had no idea what was expected of him. As you might imagine, I was both mildly alarmed and quite turned on. He was so helpless and cute! And very eager to learn, I might add.
Thus began several months of home-school instruction. Every weekend, one of us would visit the other, and a lot of the time was spent in bed. He was a very quick learner, I must say, but there was always this virginal innocence about him, which just made him that much more attractive to me. I had my very own lump of clay to mold in any shape I desired. I also took charge of his personal appearance, styling his hair and picking out clothes for him. Within no time, I'd turned him into a real catch, a hottie. And he gradually lost that shyness.
I know you know where this is going. I got an e-mail from him three weeks ago in which he informed me that he's started seeing a woman from where he works and he doesn't think it would be fair to either one of us ' her or me, I mean ' if he tried to pursue a relationship with both of us at the same time. The gall! The unmitigated gall! I e-mailed him back and told him where he could stick his sense of fairness. I also reminded him that, when we met, he had no idea what or where the clitoris was.
I can honestly say that I don't miss him that much. He was too unformed for me to completely fall for. But I did invest a lot of time in this guy, and I do feel betrayed by him. He could have given me a much nicer send-off, especially given everything I did for him. And I'm left feeling that he was never all that attracted to me, just used me to learn the ropes. And so my advice for you ladies out there is: Restrict yourself to guys who have already figured out how to be a guy. If you want to create a guy from scratch, be prepared to get burned.
Richard's a Dick
Richard's a Dick: If I had a nickel for every nerdy virgin I've sent back into the world with more sexual savvy than when I found them, I'd be sipping a tall, skinny, no-whip Frappuccino from Starbucks right now. Instead, I must console myself with the world's eternal gratitude. You should too.
If you're a tall, skinny coffee-flavored luxury item, write to: MR. RIGHT, ISTHMUS, 101 KING ST., MADISON, WI 53703. OR CALL 251-1206, EXT. 152. OR E-MAIL MRRIGHT@ISTHMUS.COM.
