Robert Zammarchi
A group of swingers, kinksters, polyamorists and nudists is taking over a Madison hotel this weekend, celebrating Valentine's Day weekend with two days of what's billed as "complete sexual freedom." The event will draw as many as 275 "alternative sex" aficionados from all over Wisconsin, the United States as well as abroad, says Melanie, a volunteer event organizer with Camp NCN, a "sexual freedom" campground in Black River Falls, Wis.
Melanie agreed to be interviewed about the event on the condition that Isthmus not use her real name. Though Camp NCN has been hosting well-attended hotel takeovers in Madison four times a year for the past several years, there's still a stigma associated with a lifestyle that allows sexual freedom, she says.
"There's a huge misconception about the swinging world," says the 48-year-old from western Wisconsin. "A lot of people look at swingers as people who are immoral, who are whorish, who jump from one person to another, but that's not necessarily the case. It's just another type of connection."
The group rents out the entire hotel when they come to Madison, so there's no risk of children or other unsuspecting guests getting an unexpected eyeful (or earful). That also gives the group the freedom to set up a fetish dungeon, group "play rooms" with various sex apparatuses, an area with vendors selling sex toys and a dance floor with a DJ. The entire hotel is clothing-optional, with the exception of the front desk reception area.
Attendees range in age from mid-20s to mid-70s, Melanie says, and they represent a variety of backgrounds and professions. Many are teachers, lawyers, counselors -- and she says there are even a few government officials.
"That's one of the reasons why we're so careful to protect their identities," she says. "Outing is a big concern for a lot of them. They could lose their jobs."
Though Camp NCN is LGBT-friendly, the hotel takeover events are open only to heterosexual couples and single females (who are referred to as "unicorns") as a way to ensure guests are comfortable, Melanie says. Single men are not allowed.
Finding a venue to host the event is not easy.
"The majority of hotels don't want to be associated with the types of things we do in our group," Melanie says. "It's very difficult to find one that is willing to cooperate."
The group ran into trouble five years ago in Stevens Point, when city officials tried to shut down a similar Valentine's Day weekend hotel takeover party, citing a city ordinance prohibiting "sexually oriented businesses" within 750 feet of an establishment with a liquor license. Faced with threats of fines and other legal penalties, the hotel canceled the swingers' group reservation, but a scaled-back event reportedly took place anyway.
They also faced problems in Wisconsin Dells, when a former hotel party site came under new ownership that was not interested in continuing to host the group, Melanie says.
Camp NCN's owner, Marvin Thomann, approached a number of Madison hotels before he found one that was agreeable, Melanie says.
The location of the Madison hotel takeover site is kept secret, per the request of the venue's management. The Camp NCN website doesn't even provide the information on its registration page.
The hotel's manager, who asked not to be identified, admitted that he was hesitant at first to accommodate the swingers' event. But the guarantee of a fully booked hotel -- especially during the tourism offseason -- is good for business. So far, there have been no problems or complaints. Plus, the group is "actually pretty tame," the manager says.
Melanie's introduction into this world came through her now-fiancé Bill, who was already a swinger and a Camp NCN member when they met. He invited her to a Halloween hotel takeover about five years ago -- warning her in advance about what she should expect.
"I was shocked," Melanie admits with a laugh.
But she ended up connecting with another couple -- both of whom were in their 70s -- about why they enjoy the swingers' lifestyle. After hearing from them, she eventually got comfortable enough to shed some clothing. As a self-described "bigger girl," she found the boost of confidence exhilarating.
"I was actually feeling sexy for the first time in 20 years," says Melanie, who, prior to meeting Bill, had taken a 16-year hiatus from sex and dating after her second divorce.
Melanie's advice for introducing newbies into swinging or kink? Ease into it, expect a learning curve and establish a clear set of rules and boundaries. "It improves the relationship that [Bill] and I have," she says.
Madison has a small but growing community of people who are interested in exploring alternative sexuality, says Jay Blevins, a Madison-based licensed marriage and family therapist who specializes in kink and polyamory.
"This is kind of the new frontier of relationships," says Blevins, who co-facilitates a polyamorous social group called Poly Cocktails and an educational discussion group called Sex Geekdom on Meetup.com.
Based on similar groups in New York City, Chicago and Houston, Madison Poly Cocktails launched last year and now has more than 150 local members, with 40 to 70 people regularly attending events around Madison each month. Sex Geekdom has around 200 members, many of whom are sex educators and therapists.
"It's definitely growing in popularity," Blevins says of society's openness to alternative sexuality. "People are becoming much more aware."
Blevins doesn't like the term "alternative sex" to describe practices like polyamory and BDSM, but he acknowledges that there really isn't a better moniker to categorize the various spectra of lifestyles and interests.
"It's not really alternative," he says. "It's only alternative in society's eyes."
