Mary Langenfeld
Maya Weinkopf, 12, of Waterford releases a dove with the help of handler Cheryl DeWelt. Maya participated to celebrate the memory of her cousin, Stella Weinkopf.
Travis and Andrea Grover walk up to the microphone and speak the names: Baby Grover number one, Baby Grover number two, Baby Grover number three, Baby Grover number four, Austin Grover, Jayden Grover.
Six names representing six babies lost during pregnancy.
The Grovers relish the opportunity to say their babies’ names out loud. And the Forever in Our Hearts Remembrance Day gives them the space to grieve, to connect, to remember.
Melissa Terrill, co-founder of the event and the nonprofit that sponsors it, Mikayla’s Grace, hoped to create an outlet for parents dealing with the loss of children through pregnancy, stillbirth or in early infancy.
“This can be a very lonely type of loss. People don’t want to face the facts that babies can die and it can happen to anybody,” Terrill says. “[This event] gives the parents the space to be able to speak what they want to about their baby and to remember them.”
Earlier in the morning, attendees peruse resource tables in the lobby of the BioPharmaceutical Technology Center on the outskirts of Madison near Fitchburg. At a craft table, people make butterflies — a symbol of pregnancy loss. Notes are scribbled onto small pieces of paper soon to be attached to the legs of five white doves. People share stories, hugs and tissues over coffee and bagels.
Shortly after 10 o’clock, attendees file into the auditorium, taking their seats to hear from keynote speaker Jill Babiarz, yoga instructor and owner of Core Awareness LLC.
“Britta, November 28, 2003. Ella, January 21, 2007. Grace, September 30, 2008. Saylor, July 8, 2015,” Babiarz says as she takes the stage. “These are my babies, that I’ve lost … I’m up here to tell you today that there is hope and healing after heartbreaking loss.”
For Babiarz, each loss grew more and more unbearable. What started as a feeling of numbness grew into a deep depression.
After losing their third baby, Babiarz and her husband separated. Shortly thereafter she found a pregnancy loss support group, one that connected her to Terrill, the Grovers and many other grieving parents.
“I just remember being there and crying, crying, crying knowing that my babies were real,” Babiarz tells the audience. “For me, healing was really about letting them be my babies and not my miscarriages.”
More than a decade after losing her first child Babiarz is happily remarried and looking into other ways to grow her family.
“Christopher and I knew we still wanted to have children and adoption has become our route, it’s not at all what I had planned for … but here it is and it’s more beautiful and sacred than I could ever imagine,” says Babiarz. “We are about one year into the process so I’m hoping by the walk next year, we’ll have our baby.”
After her talk, families are invited on stage to speak the names of the babies they’ve lost. Nearly 100 names are spoken by the end.
To finish out the event, attendees move outside for the annual dove release and remembrance walk. The morning’s threat of rain recedes as the sun peeks through the dense clouds.
Five doves, with messages of hope and healing attached to their feet, are released into the air. Each of them flying a slightly different way, swooping in large circles, while families gather to watch.
As the event draws to a close the Grovers collect the placards along the memorial walk adorned with the names of their six babies. Their 2 ½-year-old son Jaxon isn’t far behind.
“He’s special, really special,” Travis says of his son, who was born via surrogacy.
“I look at him with so much gratitude and beauty, just to see his face, like he was meant to be ours, he’s just incredible,” says Andrea. “Every parent says that, but I think after everything we’ve gone through, looking at him, not taking as much for granted and enjoying, truly each moment.”
October: Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month
384: Children under 1 who died in Wisconsin in 2015.
5.7: Infant mortality rate per 1,000 live births in 2015.
Miscarriage: The loss of a baby before the 20th week of pregnancy.
Stillbirth: The loss of a baby after the 20th week of pregnancy.
24,000: Babies stillborn each year in the United States.
