Lauren Hafeman
Contestants in the Worst Tattoo Competition at the Madison Tattoo Festival.
Contest winner Emily Huffaker, far left, shows off the memorial tattoo of her late dog, Yoda.
A collective laugh and a few sharp gasps roll over the crowd as Patrick, the third contestant in the Worst Tattoo Competition, turns on his heels, drops his pants, and moons the crowd. Grinning over his shoulder, Patrick proudly shows off his contest entry: a dragon, mauling a unicorn, inked on his right buttock.
As people crane their necks to get a better look at the mythical booty tattoo, Patrick explains that a large dose of magic mushrooms inspired the idea for the design and the decision to get it permanently inked on his rump. To this, the crowd of tattoo artists and connoisseurs giggle, and Jake, the MC, light-heartedly advises never to mix drugs and everlasting decisions.
A few minutes later, another contestant, Jason, bops on stage to rock music playing in the background, hitches up his shorts and reveals an explicit depiction of a former porn star squatting on his thigh. Shannon comes next, showing off a faded eyeball on his forearm that he attempted to ink with a smudged stencil, providing Jake another teaching moment.
“We are going to learn from Shannon together,” Jake says to the crowd. “We do not tattoo ourselves. Let’s say it.” In unison, the crowd repeats: “We do not tattoo ourselves.”
The Worst Tattoo Competition is part of the Madison Tattoo Festival, a weekend-long celebration of tattoo artistry and creativity at the Alliant Energy Center. There are more than 200 tattoo artists from around the United States at the mid-September gathering, showcasing their work in lively convention-style booths. Artists range from experts in bold tribal designs to masters of dainty fine-line tattoos, from specialists in American traditional style to professionals in realism.
For some artists, the festival’s appeal is the diversity of art and people it brings together.
“The festival serves as a binder for several different subcultures,” says Mikeal James of Black Dawn Tattoo in Milwaukee. “You walk around a place like this and see hip-hop subcultures, hardcore subcultures and graffiti subcultures. It’s a really cool crossroads.”
The atmosphere is welcoming, upbeat and accepting of all types of inventive self-expression.
Attendees range from tattoo novices to people fully covered in ink. And walk-up tattooing services are being offered: Artist Lady B of Lost Lakes Tattoo, a Madison parlor, is working on a woman who is lying face down on a tattoo table. The woman opted for an intricate floral calf sleeve. Beside the booth, other festival-goers socialize with friends from the industry. The buzz of the hall comes from lively conversations and tattoo guns alike.
Acknowledging that tattoo mishaps do occur, the festival organizers have partnered with Removery, the world’s largest tattoo removal company, to give away a free removal package to the winner of the festival’s Worst Tattoo Competition.
“A tattoo removal can quite literally change somebody’s life,” says Quinn Hurley, director of operations for Tattoo Fest, the national organization.
The judges of the competition were handpicked from the festival crowd and include Hot Donna (artist at Clove Tattoo Collective, Grand Rapids, Michigan), Pip (owner of Weird Ink, St. Paul, Minnesota), and Amber (Color Theory merch seller, Chicago, Illinois). This is Amber and Pip’s first time judging a bad tattoo competition, but Hot Donna has judged several on the tattoo festival circuit (once, she says, a man tried to show much more than just buttocks).
At today’s competition, other notable entries include a lion that ended up resembling Sonic the Hedgehog, a poorly placed and improperly inked pile of fall foliage, and a triad of overworked hearts that scarred during healing.
Emily Huffaker wins the competition for a tattoo of her late dog, Yoda. Yoda’s eyes ended up “wonky,” says Huffaker, and the artist freehanded the tattoo far too large.
After Emily is crowned the winner, the judges and I chat a bit by the stage. “The porn star was a bad tattoo, but the decision was worse,” Hot Donna tells me. “Emily got a sh*t tattoo because somebody didn’t do their job right.”
23: Total number of Worst Tattoo Competitions held by the organizers of Tattoo Fest across the U.S.
1: Butt crack shown onstage at Madison competition
2: Number of years Madison has hosted the tattoo festival
22: Number of categories for well-done tattoos at the festival
1.6 million: Total number of successful tattoo removal treatments claimed by Removery
