David Michael Miller
If you’re a liberal and not depressed right now there are a couple of possibilities. Maybe you’ve been to Colorado and purchased a mellow mood legally, then transported it (somewhat illegally) back home. Or maybe you haven’t read New York Times columnist Roger Cohen’s latest offering.
Cohen paints a bleak scenario under which western liberal democracy collapses entirely and, essentially, Vladimir Putin takes over. Trouble is, each step along the way comes off as plausible. It’s enough to make you want to down a couple of vodkas with your mellowness.
So I thought, just for Independence Day, what the heck, maybe I could construct an equally plausible happy scenario. It’s pretty happy. You can judge for yourself whether it’s plausible. But I guarantee that it was constructed under the influence of nothing stronger than iced coffee.
It starts with the good news that Anthony Kennedy is retiring from the Supreme Court. This turns out to be happy news for two reasons. First, Kennedy was no liberal anyway. In this last term he never once sided with the liberals on a major case. He had a chance to make history by upending partisan gerrymandering and instead he just walked away. So, yes, Trump gets another young, extreme conservative on the court, but frankly, we’re not losing all that much.
But here’s the really good part of the story. Kennedy was sort of progressive on reproductive rights. The threat of overturning Roe v. Wade will further energize an already red hot blue wave. (Imagine for a moment a red hot blue wave. Powerful image there.)
So now the Democrats take back both houses of Congress in November. Trump’s agenda is completely stopped in its tracks. Except here’s the thing. Trump doesn’t have an agenda. He doesn’t believe in anything except Donald Trump. All he wants to do is “win,” whatever that means. So, now he decides he’s going to win with the Democrats. He switches parties and works with the Dems to strengthen Obamacare, fight global climate change, raise the minimum wage and on and on. Democrats get so tired of winning they urge Trump to stop signing their bills. He refuses.
And because Chief Justice John Roberts has at least some respect for precedent, and he wants to maintain the long-term credibility of the court, he sides with liberals and Roe is saved in any event.
But Trump is right about one thing. He could shoot somebody on Fifth Avenue and his supporters would still love him. All those blue-collar voters now decide that they really do need health care and a pay raise is not such a bad thing. Yeah, well, the border wall didn’t get built but net immigration from Mexico has actually reversed so it’s okay. This fact had been reported earlier, but then it was fake news. Now Trump says it, and it is fact.
And just to prove his point about the Fifth Avenue thing, Trump shoots Stephen Miller on Fifth Avenue. Miller is so loyal that he willingly takes the bullet. He recovers and enters the monastery to atone for his sins. He’s never heard from again.
Back here at home the blue wave swamps Scott Walker. Gov. Tony Evers takes over and is just as boring as hell. Nothing is big. Nothing is bold. He just quietly goes about reestablishing liberal democratic norms of conduct. He insists on a non-partisan commission to redistrict the state after the 2020 census. Under the new fair maps in place for the election of 2022, the Democrats once again take control of the Legislature and Evers is elected to a second term. Evers now delivers on 100 percent of his agenda. Liberals demand he resign because he didn’t deliver 110 percent of his agenda. (Well, okay, that’s not in keeping with the happy scenario, but I did want to keep one foot in plausible territory and the words “satisfied” and “liberal” have never been combined plausibly.)
One sad note. After four consecutive World Series championships, major league baseball votes to break up the Milwaukee Brewers.
There. Now don’t you feel better? It could happen. Happy Fourth of July!
