Last year, I wrote about how my family fired me from playing Santa Claus for the kids on Christmas Eve. They came crawling back this year, but I turned them down. I’ve moved on. With bitterness. But I've moved on nonetheless.
I used to do a shtick as part of the show. It was dynamite, top-notch entertainment, which I shared with the world — beyond my family — last year. So, back by popular demand, here are Santa’s bad holiday jokes. Included are old favorites plus some new material. It’s my gift to you this holiday season. No need to thank me. And there’s especially no need to write rude comments at the bottom of the blog.
Did you know that Benjamin Franklin designed his own Christmas wreath? It’s true. It’s called A-Wreath-O-Franklin!
Legend has it that in merrie olde England two gallant horsemen rode through the countryside distributing gifts to children. One never spoke while the other had been in so many battles, his armor was pierced all over. You know what the children called them? Silent Knight, Holey Knight.
What’s a Christmas pastry that you can pick up for free? Stollen.
Did you know Santa, when not in his sleigh, likes to ride a bike? What does he sing while riding? “Do you gear what I gear?!”
Two things people don’t know about Santa: He has magical powers and a temper. A couple weeks before Christmas, Santa visited the elves in their workshop. He found them on an extended break and they were goofed on candy canes and hot chocolate. They were already behind on their quotas and Santa got so angry that, just to send a message to the elves union, he turned two of them into lawn ornaments. And do you know what those elves are singing this year? “I’ll be a gnome for Christmas!”
Seems Santa had to renew his sleigh driver license for another 100 years. While waiting, Santa filled out the form, but being 1,200 years old, his writing is kind of shaky. Anyway, the DMV worker called his number and Santa stepped up to the window and slid the form across to the guy. “Okay, Mr. Krisl Kringle,” said the DMV guy. Santa replied, “It’s Kris Kringle.” The DMV guy looked down at the form again and said, “No, see it says right here Krisl Kringle.''At that Santa lost his temper. “There is an L in the second name. But the first, no L!”
Feel free to use these at holiday gatherings with friends and family. I find they work better as the evening wears on and several cups of cheer have been enjoyed. And don’t worry about giving me any credit. I’d actually prefer you didn’t.
Happy holidays to one and all.