Dear Tell All: I’m writing an anonymous letter to you because I can’t tell anyone I know about my intense fantasy life. And I have to tell someone or I’ll go crazy.
I have a huge crush on a friend’s wife. I don’t intend to act on it, and I’m sure if I ever did she’d rear back in horror and confusion. No, this is a love affair that has gone on only in my mind, and will most definitely stay there. But it’s taking up such a big part of my daydreams that I wonder if, for all intents and purposes, it constitutes cheating on my wife.
My crush’s husband is an old work colleague. I met his wife about five years ago at Concerts on the Square, when we socialized for the first time as couples. God help me, but I still remember what she wore that night: a tight blue halter top that showed off her curves, with honey-colored hair brushing her bare shoulders. She was one of the most beautiful women I’d ever seen, and she also proved to be charming and kind.
I’ve taken the lead in arranging double dates, even though my office mate (who now works at a different organization) isn’t my favorite friend. But I’m willing to overlook his deficiencies for the chance — any chance — to be with his wife. She plays a starring role in my sexual fantasies, pretty much on a daily basis. And not just sexual ones. I often imagine what it would be like to run off with her and have a blissful life together.
I feel increasingly guilty for my obsession with her, given that I’m crazy about my real wife. She wonders why I’m always so eager to socialize with this couple, since she doesn’t care for the husband any more than I do.
How ashamed should I feel, and what should I do?
Smitten
Dear Smitten: I’m forgiving of harmless sexual and romantic fantasies, even obsessive ones like yours. It’s practically impossible to police your imagination, so why try? It’s useless to blame yourself for being human.
But notice that I said harmless sexual and romantic fantasies. If your fantasy life bleeds into your real life with self-destructive consequences, it’s time to examine your behavior.
It’s a cause for concern that you make strenuous efforts to set up double dates for the sole purpose of mooning over your crush. I don’t doubt that your wife is puzzled. Under the circumstances, it does seem like infidelity of a sort.
Infidelity isn’t always a bad thing, but you yourself admit that you’re crazy about your wife. So here’s my suggestion: cut back on the social events that are stimulating only for you. Let the fantasies come as they may while making a strong attempt to focus on your marriage. If the choice is between a dream girl and real love, there’s no contest.
Do you have a question about life or love in Madison?
Write Tell All, 100 State St., Madison, WI 53703. Or email tellall@isthmus.com
