Dear Tell All: My 16-year-old daughter has always been a great kid: a model student, caring friend and responsible family member. That’s why I was shocked by the trampy outfit she wore to West High’s homecoming last month.
Her dress was revealing on both ends: super low-cut on top, super short on the bottom. She added stiletto heels and garish makeup. My husband and I made a strong effort to talk her into something more modest, which led to the biggest fight we’d ever had.
In the end, we let her go ahead with the outfit in the interest of peace. But I regretted our decision the day after, when photos of her, her date, and her similarly exhibitionistic friends began to spread around social media. My daughter was on display for the whole world to see as a sexual object.
Since then, she’s started pushing the envelope with what she tries to wear to school. I decided to put my foot down and forbid hyper-sexual outfits for everyday situations, and that caused all hell to break loose. But this time, I’m not budging.
Unfortunately, our house is now a war zone. Is there any way to restore the happy family life we used to enjoy?
Prim and Proper
Dear Prim and Proper: I’m reluctant to give advice in a situation like this. You know your daughter and your personal values better than I do, and you need to make the daily decisions in the treacherous, ever-shifting environment of raising an adolescent. In other words, there’s no single right answer here.
That said, I do see a red flag in your letter. You say you put your foot down and aren’t budging, but that’s not the road to peace — it’s the road to an even bigger war. Better to take a step back, assess what’s at stake, and try to find areas of compromise.
As for what’s at stake, how big a problem is this, really? As you acknowledge, your daughter’s friends dress in a similar style, so she’s not exactly an outlier. The photos of her on social media were surely no different from those of many others at West High and across the country for homecoming 2017.
The best way to restore your once-happy family life, Prim and Proper, is to acknowledge that your daughter is growing up and — yes — turning into a sexual being. Maybe it’s happening sooner than you’d like, but you’re going to have to come to terms with it anyway. By all means, keep telling her where you stand and enforce reasonable limits. But I’d recommend as much flexibility as you can muster, taking into account modern-day high school mores.
If your daughter is a model student, a caring friend and a responsible family member, why obsess on her clothes? Take a chill pill and count your blessings.
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