Dear Tell All: My husband and I had a bitter divorce and are not on speaking terms. We share custody of our 9-year-old son and communicate with each other as little as possible. I haven’t said a word to him face-to-face in almost two years, preferring texts when it’s necessary to coordinate something regarding our son. Handoffs are made in silence, with our son walking from one parent’s car to the other parent’s apartment.
As you can tell, I despise this man, and the other day I learned about a typically irresponsible thing he did as a father. My son mentioned that the two of them had gone to a Hooters restaurant — the place where waitresses dress as busty sex dolls in tight tank tops and short-shorts.
I was furious that my ex took my child to a sex-drenched atmosphere in which the women are treated as objects rather than people (reminiscent of our own marriage). I sent him an angry text about it and he simply wrote back: “chill out — he liked the food and they had the game on.”
I’m sick that, at age 9, my son is already soaking up his father’s sleazy attitude toward women at a Hooters. Is it worth calling my lawyer to revisit the custody arrangement?
The Responsible One
Dear Responsible One: I’d keep your lawyer’s number handy, given your ex-husband’s apparent lack of judgment. However, I wouldn’t make the call just yet. I don’t think you’ll get much traction with this particular issue, since Hooters has made moves toward being family-friendly and community-oriented. I agree with you that it peddles a retrograde vision of women that’s inappropriate for 9-year-olds, but not all parents feel that way. Poke your head into a Hooters and you’re likely to see children eating chicken strips from the kids’ menu.
I know you won’t want to hear this, but a better approach is to have a face-to-face discussion with your husband about child-rearing strategies. You’ll never make headway with an angry text, but you might get your point across with a sensible argument in person.
If not — well, he does have a right to pass along his own values to your son, and apparently that will involve trips to Hooters. Luckily, you’re not powerless, Responsible One. Counter the Hooters vision by showing your son your own independence, strength, and intelligence. That’s the best way of teaching him that women are more than tight tank tops and short-shorts.
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