Dear Tell All: I just found out my fiancé and father of my child has been texting a female “friend” about three times a month for at least a couple of years, and promptly deleting all correspondence.
I found out because she blew up his phone one night with multiple messages at 2 a.m. I woke up in a panic because I thought something was seriously wrong (why else would someone be texting so adamantly at such an hour?). Without even looking at his phone, my fiancé gently rolled me back across the bed and away from the nightstand, not even a little concerned about who was trying to contact him. It totally set off my Weird Stuff-O-Meter. Shortly after, he went to the bathroom, and well… I snooped. When I clicked his phone on, I found adorable selfies of her recent trip to Japan. Nothing damning, but still pretty odd to be sending at 2 in the morning. Naturally I was pretty pissed, but not sure how to confront the situation.
After a couple of days of chilly treatment toward my fiancé, he broached the subject and admitted to texting and immediately deleting texts with this girl for years. He claimed they were just friends, and that nothing had ever happened between them. He said he was just worried I’d get jealous. I’m fairly sure if it was as platonic as he says, I would’ve had no qualms about their friendship. Now, however, I find myself overcome with jealousy and trust issues, constantly wondering what is really going on between them and what else he’s hiding from me.
My question for you is, what do I do? We’re literally putting nonrefundable deposits on our future together, and I don’t know if I can trust him. Should I take him at his word or cut my losses and run while I’m ahead?
Green-Eyed Monster
Dear Green-Eyed Monster: I know this will be hard to hear, especially since you have a child with this guy, but it’s time to seriously reconsider your relationship.
It’s not a good sign that your fiancé has a secret female friend. It’s not a good sign that he regularly deletes his correspondence with her. It’s not a good sign that he blames his sneakiness on your presumed jealousy.
He might be telling the truth about being “just friends” with this woman, but that shouldn’t put your mind at ease. He kept the truth from you and only confessed under duress. What other lies will he tell down the road?
I realize you’re “putting nonrefundable deposits on your future together,” Green-Eyed Monster, and I understand the temptation to let this slide. It might be harmless, right? But in my view, you can’t afford to ignore your fiancé’s troubling behavior. Even if you disable the Weird Stuff-O-Meter, it doesn’t mean weird stuff will stop happening.
Do you have a question about life or love in Madison?
Write Tell All, 100 State St., Madison, WI 53703. Or email tell all@isthmus.com