Dear Tell All: I met my friend Will in my senior year at West High, when we sat next to each other in English. He’d moved to Madison from Hudson, Wisconsin, and was the most fascinating person I’d ever encountered. He was tall and wiry with crazily hypnotic eyes.
Will’s intensity was scary, but he proved to be a generous friend. He took an immediate interest in me, despite the fact that I was a nerd and he most definitely wasn’t. He was sexually experienced and wise in the ways of the world, like a Manhattan sybarite. He also had the intellectual ambition of a future Harvard professor, with a particular interest in Shakespeare. How he became so sophisticated in western Wisconsin I’ll never know.
By contrast, I was sheltered and stupid. I could barely keep up with Will, yet he seemed to enjoy hanging out with me. We continued our friendship throughout college, seeing each other on breaks. I went to Cornell College in Iowa and he went to New York University — choices that perfectly sum up the difference between us. He was sexually omnivorous and had partners of every sort in Manhattan. By contrast, I hung onto my high school girlfriend through most of college.
I came back to Madison after school, and Will moved to Los Angeles with hopes of being a writer in the entertainment industry. He tried to keep up our friendship, but I have to admit that I let it fade away. He’d always intimidated me, and it was kind of a relief to have him out of my life. He made me feel inferior in every way, though I blame myself for that rather than him.
I recently heard through a mutual friend that Will died young of cancer. I’d had no idea he was ill. I feel so guilty for dropping him as a friend and not being there for him when he was dying.
I sense that I’ll continue to feel guilty for the rest of my life. Is this reasonable?
Traitor
Dear Normal Human Being (I refuse to call you “Traitor”): I understand your anguish, but you do not have to feel guilty for the rest of your life, or even right now. In distancing yourself from Will, you made a decision that felt right for you at the time. He intimidated you, and that’s not a pleasant sensation. It’s also not a good foundation for an enduring friendship.
As for not being there when he was dying, I don’t see how you can blame yourself. As you say, you didn’t even know he was ill.
This is a sad situation, to be sure, but I recommend letting yourself off the hook. Cherish your memories of Will and be glad for the time you had together. In the absence of a time machine, Normal Human Being, there’s really no other option.
Do you have a question about life or love in Madison?
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