Dear Tell All: My husband and I married 23 years ago. We have three daughters aged 22, 21 and 17.
My father-in-law was admitted to hospice last week, four hours away. My husband went by himself on Wednesday and Thursday, then left for home while his father was still alive. As he drove back, he and I communicated a few times.
While he was still on the road, I received a call from my brother-in-law, who was trying to reach my husband. I called my husband to tell him, but he immediately got off the phone because he said his brother was calling.
Wondering if my brother-in-law was delivering bad news about their father, I tried contacting my husband several times — no answer. The girls also did not hear from him, so we decided to wait for a call or for him to come home.
Three hours after we expected him, he arrived, informing us that my father-in-law had indeed passed away. He told us that he’d spent the extra three hours at the apartment of a female friend. He said it was “the respectable thing to do” to stay with her after his brother called about his father’s death.
I was furious that he didn’t contact me to let me know, leaving me and our daughters in the dark and worried.
Am I wrong to be upset with my husband during this time of his dad’s passing? The fact that he stayed with his female friend after learning about his father’s death tells me that it is more than a friendship.
Please advise.
Waiting and Waiting
Dear Waiting and Waiting: Your husband behaved badly by not immediately informing you and your daughters about his dad’s death. He also behaved badly by not coming straight home, or at least telling you he would be home late.
In most situations, I would suggest confronting him with your anger right away. But not in this situation.
A lot of people lose it the day a parent dies. They act irrationally, for understandable reasons. I don’t know if keeping you in the dark is characteristic behavior for your husband; I don’t know if he can’t be trusted with female friends. You didn’t tell me enough about him to form a judgment. But I do know that starting a major marital argument at this moment would not be productive. And probably would not be fair, given the circumstances.
So bide your time, Waiting and Waiting. Reassess the situation after a respectable period of mourning. Maybe your husband will come around to apologizing for what happened. Maybe your anger will subside. If not, you can start a reasonable conversation with him when emotions are less volatile. That’s your best option for a positive outcome, assuming that’s still possible in this relationship.
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