Dear Tell All: My husband was a hunk when I met him at UW-Madison: square-jawed, dark-haired, and muscular. Now, almost 20 years after we got married, he’s none of those things. His jawline has softened. His lovely hair is falling out. And he’s gone flabby from lack of exercise.
It gets worse. He used to be a sharp dresser but now wears ill-fitting outfits that do him no favors. He has hair growing out of his nose. The skin on the back of his hands is starting to wrinkle.
My husband and I used to have a great sex life, but I admit that it’s harder to get in the mood these days. I find myself putting him off more and more, and he’s obviously frustrated. We haven’t discussed it because I don’t want to talk about the way he looks. It would mortify him, and I doubt he’d ever forgive me.
I’m getting older too, of course, but I pride myself on exercising, eating right, and attending to my appearance. I think I look good and wish I still had a partner who did. How should aging couples handle this situation?
44
Dear 44: Your complaints about your husband’s appearance veer from things he can’t control to things he can. It’s not fair to criticize him for thinning hair, a softening jawline, and wrinkly hands. Such changes happen. I’d hope that, as you mature yourself, you’ll gain the wisdom and empathy to tolerate inevitable physical transformations.
On the other hand, it is fair to criticize him for not exercising, not trimming his nose hair, and not caring about his clothes. If he puts no effort into how he looks, I can see why you’ve lost interest in looking at him.
How should aging couples handle this situation? I hate to tell you, 44, but the solution is to discuss it. Yes, you might hurt your husband’s feelings, but he deserves to hear about your feelings. Bring up the subject as matter-of-factly as you can, focusing on solutions instead of problems. Obviously, those solutions include a nose-hair scissors, a membership at the gym, and shirts and pants that fit.
But the ultimate solution involves you rather than him. Accept that your husband is aging and find a way to enjoy it, because there truly are enjoyable elements in that stage of life. If you’re lucky, he’ll do the same for you.
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