Dear Tell All: A few years ago my husband began bowling with me, but I stopped bowling the next season because I went back to school. That year he began an intense friendship with another female bowler.
They constantly texted, and he gushed when he spoke about her. He bought presents and a birthday cake for her daughter, and they acted like he is a part of their family. I stood up for myself and explained that her flirtation and familiarity with him was an affront to me.
She eventually got a boyfriend. She even complained to him that she does not want her boyfriend being friends with another woman who is a flirt. Hypocrite!
Since then, I found out that he’s secretly added her to one of his bowling teams. I am upset that he reconnected with her clandestinely. I communicated how upset I was that he did this behind my back. Thoughts?
Spare
Dear Spare: I normally counsel people to conquer irrational jealousy about a partner’s friend. I don’t see anything necessarily wrong with your husband having a platonic relationship with another woman. I don’t see anything necessarily wrong with his texting her, gushing about her, or developing a bond with her family. Such behavior can look like flirtation when it’s really just friendship. If so, a wife would ideally be secure enough in herself and her relationship to accept it.
But in this case, I think you have cause for concern. If your husband is behaving secretly, he’s likely up to no good. To make a platonic relationship work in the context of a marriage, the spouse who has a friend must act responsibly, which includes being honest and reassuring. It sounds like your husband has failed that test.
You did the right thing by communicating your distress, Spare. You didn’t say how he took it, but his response is crucial to the future of your marriage. If he acknowledged your concerns and promised to address them, you have a chance of holding your relationship together. If he shrugged off your concerns and indulged in more dishonesty — well, I’d consider that a gutter ball. It’d be time to throw the bum out and look for a new bowling partner.
Good luck, and let us know what happens.
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