Dear Tell All: My husband and I have a generally happy marriage that is interrupted at regular intervals by the same old argument. It started not long after we met over a decade ago and has lost none of its intensity.
The argument has endless variations, but it comes down to this: I don’t think he’s supportive enough of me, and he doesn’t think I’m supportive enough of him. It’s played out as both of us worked to establish our careers, to raise a family and to nurture adult friendships.
We’ve both blown up at each other, apologized, agreed to change our ways, and then started fighting again. At this point, he’s said things to me that I’ll never forget or forgive, and he feels the same way about things I’ve said to him.
I’m so exhausted after these arguments that I’m tempted just to end the relationship and start fresh with someone else. But then I think of the kids and our love for each other and decide it’s worth sticking out.
Until the next fight.
The thing I hate the most is carrying around resentment over the ways my husband has acted and the things he’s said. There are so many examples that my head will probably burst one day. How can I live with this burden for the rest of my life?
Long Memory
Dear Long Memory: The solution to your problem is not figuring out how to live with your burden. It’s figuring out how to drop it.
Obviously, I can’t fix your marriage in an advice column. For that, you’ll need couples counseling. But I will pass along one tip that might relieve you of your burden. In fact, it’s really just one word: forgiveness.
You say your marriage is generally happy, which means it’s worth saving. And to save it, you and your husband need to let go of the resentments you’ve built up over a decade. That will involve forgiving each other for the things you’ve said and done during your arguments.
I don’t mean simply saying you’re sorry. I mean thoroughly forgiving one another and wiping the slate clean. Scientists at the University of Wisconsin-Madison have found that radical forgiveness can reduce anger and pain and cause psychological relief.
If you follow the path of forgiveness, Long Memory, you won’t need to start fresh with someone else. You can start fresh with the man you love.
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