Dear Tell All: I’m a dyed-in-the-wool feminist, as are all my female friends. We pride ourselves on rejecting sexism in all its forms. And yet, I seem to be the only one who perceives the sexism in that creakiest of romantic rituals: the surprise marriage proposal.
These friends—who waved their placards at the Women’s March and worked hard to elect a female president — all accept the idea that they must wait for the man to gallantly ask their hand in marriage. The ones who are married or engaged proudly tell their stories of partners getting down on a knee in public places, as if they were submissive Cinderellas being courted by patriarchal Prince Charmings. They brag about the elaborate ruses involving rings hidden in cakes or champagne glasses.
Most distressing of all, they buy into the idea that their only role is to sit around while the man makes up his damn mind about proposing. To me, it’s mind-boggling to watch these fierce women will themselves into passivity.
I’m not involved in a serious relationship right now, but if any man knelt in front me with a ring, I’d knee him in the chin. It shouldn’t be up to him to decide we’re getting married; it should be a joint discussion, with me an equal partner.
I’ve never piped up when a girlfriend tells her regressive proposal story, but it’s getting hard to contain my displeasure. Should I care that she’d resent me for raining on her parade?
Drizella
Dear Drizella: Yes, you should care. In my opinion, it would be unforgivable to torpedo a friend’s big moment by making a political point. If you really love her, you should be happy that she’s happy.
That’s not to say you can’t express your point of view in another, less charged context. There’s value in pointing out the pernicious elements in rituals everybody takes for granted — that’s how the world makes progress. Just wait for a moment when it’s not so personal. Inevitably, someone will tell a story about another person’s marriage proposal, or bring up a movie where an otherwise strong woman submits to the ritual (Hidden Figures comes to mind). That’s the time for you to insert your unconventional view.
By taking this approach, you won’t lose a friend, and you might just gain a convert.
Do you have a question about life or love in Madison?
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