Dear Tell All: My formerly impressive son graduated from UW-Madison in 2016 with a degree in English. Then he moved his stuff back across town to our house on the east side, where he’s been ever since. He doesn’t have a job, unless you count a handful of tasks he does for hire. He doesn’t have a serious game plan for getting a job, as far as I can tell. He’s just drifting, and it’s driving me crazy.
I always knew I wanted to be an engineer and moved out of my parents’ house after getting a UW degree. I’d lined up a job before I even graduated. By contrast, my son speaks vaguely about trying journalism or teaching, but he’s too lazy to scope out his options. No amount of nagging on my part has moved him off the dime.
I worry that I’m coddling him by taking care of his food and rent. I’ve considered kicking him out, but I’d feel guilty if he floundered—a very strong possibility. I already feel guilty for the resentment that’s bubbling in my heart. Can you suggest a way to pull our family out of this morass?
Once-Proud Parent
Dear Parent: There’s no reason to feel guilty. Your exasperation is normal.
But you know what else is normal? A kid who doesn’t know what to do after college — particularly an English major. As someone with a scientific bent and a game plan from birth, you might have a hard time understanding that.
As with most things in life, the middle path is your best choice here. Don’t kick your son out, and don’t coddle him, but instead transform yourself into a job-placement counselor. Help him clarify his goals, discuss training opportunities, scan job listings together, and prep him for applications and interviews.
This course of action will feel much better than simply nagging, Parent. It will also be much more effective. I predict that your son will be living on his own within six months…and that you’ll be wondering why he doesn’t visit more often.
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