Dear Tell All: I regularly have long-distance phone calls with my father but feel slimy every time we hang up. It’s because I pretend everything is fine between us when it’s not. I hate his guts and don’t have the courage to act that way.
Outwardly my father is charming, befitting his background in real estate. He spent his whole career dazzling clients. But beneath the affable exterior is a heartless creep.
Start with the fact that he spent his life on the road when my brother and I were children. He was never around for birthdays, concerts or other important milestones and didn’t feel a twinge of regret.
He became even more distant when he divorced my mother, remarried, and moved from Madison to Southern California. He didn’t attend high school or college graduations for either me or my brother. When my brother ever-so-gently tried to engage him about his parental neglect in a phone call, my father dropped him without a second thought. They no longer speak, and my brother is cut out of the will.
I’ve tried to stick up for my brother and gotten nowhere. My father won’t discuss him and, I’m sure, doesn’t give him a second thought. He’s never had any feeling for his children, and he’s never had a taste for self-reflection. He just continues pouring money into his condo and his various expensive tastes without a care in the world. It’s classic compartmentalization.
And yet I continue to talk with him every few weeks as if he were a normal father. He pours on the charm during our conversations, but I’m sure he’d cut me off too if I dared to question his behavior.
I keep pretending because I don’t want to face that unpleasant outcome. Is my behavior morally defensible?
Dutiful Daughter
Dear Dutiful Daughter: I wouldn’t beat yourself up over the way you behave with your father. You are the victim of this awful man. He’s created the conditions for your warped father-daughter relationship, and you’re dealing with them as best you can. Under such circumstances, no one would blame you for retreating to survival mode.
Well, maybe only one person: you. You obviously feel guilty for letting your father off the hook in your phone conversations. Calling him out would be unpleasant, as you admit. But not calling him out seems to be eating away at your soul.
I wouldn’t presume to tell you what to do, Dutiful Daughter. In such deeply personal dilemmas, every person must decide for herself whether fight or flight is the best option. All I can say is that, either way, I admire your courage in thinking through this problem. Whichever way you go, I hope you can make peace with your choice.
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