Dear Tell All: My girlfriend and I often socialize with a college friend of mine and her live-in partner. Those two met when we were all juniors at UW-Madison and have stuck it out despite major personality differences. I like both of them separately, but together they’ve always been a toxic pair. And it’s just getting worse as we get older, to the point where I’m wondering what to do about it.
I wouldn’t mind so much if they kept the arguments to themselves. But whenever my girlfriend and I go out with them, the evening is inevitably overshadowed by their bickering. One of them will make a comment, the other will take offense, and off they go, fighting about some incredibly trivial matter. I don’t think one of them is worse than the other — both are equally to blame.
I can’t take it anymore, and I need advice on how to respond. My girlfriend and I were both brought up to be polite in social situations. When the fighting starts, we simply lower our eyes and wait for an opportunity to change the subject. We grumble to each other after we get home, but we’ve never confronted our friends about their behavior.
That’s just good manners, as I see it. You don’t want to make someone feel uncomfortable in public. Or should I rethink this polite approach?
Cowering
Dear Cowering: The time for “rethinking” is over. You and your girlfriend need to act. You’ve been bringing old-fashioned manners to a knife fight, and there’s no way that will end well for you.
Forget about sparing your friends’ feelings, since they have no such scruples. Tell them that they are taking advantage of your good will, and that you won’t stand for it anymore. Give them a set of ground rules: If they argue in front of you again, you will leave immediately and cut off all future socializing.
That might sound harsh to someone with your gracious disposition, Cowering, but think of it as a service you’re providing for your friends. They are so deep into their poisonous dynamic that they’re lost touch with reality. They need to learn about the boundaries of polite society, and you’re just the one to teach them about it.
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