Dear Tell All: I’m a male supporter of the #metoo movement, and I’m glad to see celebrity sexual abusers outed and punished. But I have to admit that the current turmoil in male-female relations is doing me no favors in the bedroom.
The women I get involved with are all feminists — I make my preference clear on various online dating services—and the last half-year has been the worst of my life, sexually speaking. The flirting, cuddling, kissing, and screwing that used to flow relatively easily are now fraught with all sorts of baggage.
Some of the women I’ve dated have recoiled from perfectly natural moves, like going in for a first kiss. They tell me I need to ask permission for every new stage of the interaction. For example, “Is it okay to kiss you now?” “Is it okay to unbutton your blouse now?” “Is it okay to commence intercourse now?”
Whatever happened to spontaneity? Or graceful seduction? Or unspoken communication? I can say with 100 percent certainty that I’ve never misinterpreted a woman’s willingness to proceed from a kiss to a feel to a fuck, even without a mood-killing verbal negotiation. Conversely, I’ve never misinterpreted a woman’s unwillingness to do any of these things with me. If she’s sending out negative signals, I’m perfectly capable of reading them without being treated to a list of bullet points.
Sex used to be one of my favorite pastimes, but the new rules are taking all the fun out of it for me. Is there any recourse to this new style of coupling?
Donald Juan
Dear Donald: I have my doubts that you can read a woman’s mind with 100 percent certainty — and your arrogance about it certainly doesn’t bolster your argument. Guys who’ve convinced themselves they know what women want are a big part of what got us into this mess.
But for the sake of argument, let’s say you always know when it’s proper to proceed in a sexual situation. Even if that’s true, try putting yourself in the woman’s position. She doesn’t know you very well, and she has no idea how much to trust you. She’s either had terrible experiences with men herself or heard about others’ nightmares in recent news reports. Can you imagine how relieved she’d feel if you asked permission at each new stage of a sexual encounter?
I’m sorry that approach takes the fun out of sex for you, Donald. But as a self-professed supporter of #metoo, you can surely understand how it could make the experience much more enjoyable for a woman.
Do you have a question about life or love in Madison?
Write Tell All, 100 State St., Madison, WI 53703. Or email tell all@isthmus.com.
